Finding Myself

"You can run to the end of the highway and not find what you’re looking for

And you can search to the end of highway and come back no better than before

But to find yourself you, you've got to start right here"

So many of my posts have these deep theological bases as I explore different topics that arise in my day to day life. Theology and philosophy have always come easy to me. My parents taught me to think critically and well about the issues around me. My whole life people have always told me how impressed they are with my thoughtfulness when it comes to these types of issues. However, while I may be gifted in articulating the things of above, I often use it to hide behind my real issues. If I can speak eloquently about the doctrine of God’s love or of the best way to handle issues of poverty then I can effortlessly direct people’s attention away from my own major flaws.

A few years ago, at the start of my junior year, I was on a student leadership retreat with Trinity and on opening night our speaker talked to us about fear. He encouraged us to identify our fears and then face them so that in the upcoming year our fears would not hold us back in our ministries. I knew instantly what I was afraid of: I was afraid of letting people know that I was afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of not being perfect. I wrote this prayer in response to those feelings and thoughts that night:

So tonight we talked about fear. And I am afraid. Afraid of my sin. Of how people would react if they knew. Afraid of failing. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of losing my status, my leadership, my influence, my identity. 

I am the perfect one. The one who has the answer. Who knows it all. The mature one. The educated one. The one who everyone thinks, “Wow! She knows her stuff – she must really love God!”

 While some of that may be true I am also something else. I am the one who messes up. But won’t admit it. The  one who sometimes doesn't understand – but knows enough to fake her way through. The one who can’t be real. The one who doesn't feel good enough. The one who can’t accept God’s grace.  

I am the one who has to be right. Who has to be on top. The one who needs to have the answers. The one who always seems confident. This is my identity. And admitting that I sometimes don’t know is what I am afraid of.

My junior year was one of enlightenment. I began to understand where my identity lay and how to change it to reflect Christ and nothing more. But as with most things, old habits die hard. And lately I have found myself once again confused about who I am.

I have been inside the “bubble” for practically my whole life. Until last January that is. For those who don’t know what the bubble is let me put it this way, I was home-schooled my whole life, spent most of time growing up either at church or at the ministry where my parents worked, in high school all my friends were friends from church, and then I went to a very small, somewhat conservative, Christian college – the bubble. In the bubble I flourished – I always knew the right thing to say, the right way to act, the perfect way to put some else down (in a “godly” way mind you), the right way to elevate myself without coming across as arrogant. In short, I knew how to play the game and I played it pretty darn well!

But then, I left the bubble. And all of sudden the game was completely changed. I tried quickly to adapt to the new game but it was so counter-cultural to the one that I grew up playing that I gave up. I figured if you can’t beat them – join them. And within a matter of weeks I became a totally different person. The way I acted at work, the things that came out my mouth were so opposite of how I was raised or how I had behaved for my whole life.

Someone at church once said to me, “What a great ministry you must have at your work!” and as I nodded my head I thought dismally, “If you only knew how I acted at work.”  Because the fact was that as soon as I set foot into my work place, I left behind everything that would show someone I was Christ follower. I even delayed adding my co-workers on Facebook because I didn't want them to have to see my “Christian” status’ in fear that maybe they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. But the thought of disappointing everyone who thought of me as the good little Christian girl, pushed me to continue adding thoughtful spiritual posts. 

I realize now that I am chameleon. I am a chameleon because of my insecurities. I have always been insecure in who I am. I realize that I have a powerful personality and because of that there are times when it makes me unpopular. I was a very awkward child and never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even among my best friends I always was unsure if they really liked me or not. As well, I have always been very insecure with my looks. Struggling with my weight, acne, and stick-straight hair since high school have always weighed heavily on my mind. I never liked to show it and always put an ultra-confident face on even though most of the time I wasn't.

So I am a chameleon, while in the bubble I blended in there and while in the world, I blended in there as well. The problem is I that while I was so busy being a chameleon in the Christian bubble something happened, I actually began to fall in love with God. It got to the point where I didn't do things just to impress people but because I actually wanted to serve God. Unfortunately though, I was still a chameleon so as soon as my surrounding changed so did I. but it was hard. I didn't want to change. I tried justifying my change as “I don’t want to be one of those Christians who’s so stuck up that no one wants to be around them” but really all this did was justify my sin. But I’m sick of it.

I don’t want to be a chameleon anymore.  I want to live for Christ. Not because it is the cool thing to do among my Christian friends but because I love Him. Nor do I want to be the girl who seems unapproachable to her co-workers because she is so high on her horse. But I do want them to see Christ. I want them to see Christ in how I love others and talk kindly about people. How I am there for them and will listen to there problems and never judge them yet without condoning their sin. I don’t want to be afraid for them to see my “spiritual” posts and neither do I want to make such posts just for the sake of gaining brownie points with the other bubble people.

So I am done. Done with being camouflaged to my surroundings. I am done with being afraid. I am ready to live in the light and be secure in who Christ made me to be and who I am in him.  So I’m writing this post to the people who know me from inside the bubble and those who know me from outside. I want those inside to know that I am not perfect (which you may have already guessed) and I’m sorry that I have not always been authentic with you. I am completely flawed and broken but through Christ I am being reconciled and renewed. And for those who I know from outside the bubble – this is who I really am. A follower of Christ. I love him and I want my life to be a testament of his love and mercy to all. And to you I apologize that I haven't been a better example of Christ to you. 

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. This is who I am: an imperfect, broken, sinner being sanctified by a loving savior.  

My goal now is to live for Christ and Christ alone. 

 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

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