Badly Done.

“Badly done, Emma! Badly done.”

These words are the crescendo of Jane Austen’s classic novel, Emma. And while my name is not quite Emma it might as well be.

During my overnight last night I randomly choose to watch the 1996 film adaptation of Austen’s novel. This is a movie I have seen probably close to a dozen times in my growing up years as it’s one of my mom’s favorites and, I have to admit, I love it too. It had been a while since I’d seen it and since it was one of the only decent movies on hulu+, I went ahead and started it.

I’m always amazed at how God weaves things together. And last night was no different.  In Emma we see the story of young woman (in her early twenties) who is forced to do some growing up which means looking at some of her own shortcomings. Ironically, I recently have been faced with the same thing.

The above quote is said by one of Emma’s closest friends, Mr. Knightly, after she makes a rude, snobbish comment to an older lady in front of a group people. Mr. Knightly seeing how offended the old lady is confronts Emma later and basically tells her to grow up. Emma is defensive at first but the scene ends with her in tears as she realizes how uncharitable she has acted. Because of this event, Emma is able to recognize that her words have had destructive powers not only in this situation but in other ones as well and sets off to improve herself in this regard. 

This is a theme in Austin’s novels – this self- realization that is all too often unpleasant as her heroines are forced to examine some disagreeable character flaw. In a recent book I have been reading, Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman’s Choice, the author spends a chapter discussing this very thing.  The chapter entitled Longing: From Disparity to Desire, speaks of this self-discovery especially discovery of those things that may be unsavory about oneself. She uses another one of Austin’s classic heroines, Elizabeth Bennet, to depict this concept. The author chronicles the scene after Mr.Darcy proposes and delivers to Lizzy a note explaining “the charges laid at my door”. In this letter Elizabeth is forced to look at her own pride and realize she herself had been blinded by prejudice. She is faced with learning something unpleasant about herself she didn’t even realize was a struggle.

So here am I, reading this book (Unseduced and Undignified) and watching Emma on hula+ with little understanding that the Lord was about to use both of these things to teach me a very big lesson. See earlier this week an issue arose at work and God used this issue coupled with the book, the movie, and His Word to stretch me and grow me.

 Several months ago, a co-worker and myself were complaining about another co-worker who has had significant issues with performing his required duties at work. We were upset because we felt that he was a liability to us (I have a potentially dangerous job and we need to have stable people backing us up) and we often had to cover our own butts by redoing is poorly done paperwork.  While I believe our frustrations were not in any way inappropriate the way we went about expressing those frustrations were. Some very uncharitable things came out of my mouth and I realize they did not reflect Christ at all.

Now if we had just complained to each other and moved on it would’ve been one thing but unfortunately, one of our clients overheard us and decided to use this information to her advantage.  She continued to spread what she had heard me say until is reached my superiors and while I was never confronted personally we were given a stern lecture (by my otherwise very un-stern boss) in our weekly meeting about the dangers and unprofessionalism of talking about each other at work.

As we sat in this meeting and my boss went on and on I could tell everyone knew what specifically he was talking about it and knew that I was one of those involved in the issue that had prompted this lecture. It was mortifying. I realized that not only had my unkind words made their way back to the co-worker I was speaking about, I had tainted my reputation by turning myself into a gossip and a backstabber.

This was my “ah-ha” moment. The point where I was forced to realize something about myself that I had never considered myself before and I didn’t like it. As a Christian, I strive to let Christ shine through me and I never felt failure in that like I did this week. I realized that my words not only hurt someone but that they had given me an unsavory reputation with my co-workers and my supervisors. Ouch.

But the Lord was gracious to me. As I dumbfoundedly tried to come to terms with who I had become in this regard, he sent me several sources to encourage me. He lovingly showed me through Emma  and Unseduced that I was not alone in this struggle and that in fact, coming face to face with oneself was a chance for great growth and not discouragement necessarily.

He then gave me Psalm 19:14: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation on my heart be acceptable in you sight, O LORD, my rock, and my redeemer. God showed me that I wasn’t just to change the words that came out of my mouth but that I was to manage the “meditation of my heart” as well. I needed to be “transformed by the renewal of my mind”. It wasn’t just my behavior but my heart as well that needed to be changed.  

 Ironically, Emma also struggled with controlling her tongue and it was what got her into trouble as well. James, the brother of Jesus, tells us that “The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile an sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being came tame the tongue.”

  I can remember my dad making me read James as a young girl, cautioning me all the way back then that my mouth would one day get me into trouble. Since then, I have brushed off any real conviction of watching my tongue, but God in his greatness is showing me that my words are powerful and that with them I can build up or destroy. My hope and prayer is that this week’s revelation would be a new start for me one where I will be more conscious of the words I speak and where my heart is.

For me it was my words. For you it will probably be something different. The point is we all have blind spots in our lives. Things we don’t want to admit we’ve become. And while looking into the mirror and accepting these flaws in our character are extremely difficult they are necessary if we wish to grow. Awareness should (hopefully) bring about change. So let us be people that pray for awareness, especially self-awareness that we may be people who are growing more and more to look like Christ.

So although the words, “Badly done, Emily! Badly done.” are still ringing in my ears; I am thankful there is forgiveness and from this experience I can look a little bit more like Him.