Great is Thy Faithfulness

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! 

There has been so much going on that I wish I could write about. So much I want to share with you. So much I want to leave my heart and enter the written world. So much that needs to be said, yet here I am with little time and little energy. But I’m here.

I’m leaving my world.  I’m leaving behind the world of yoga pants and restraints. The world of swearing teens and overnights. The world of direct care.

And I’m entering a new world. One of dress pants and paper work. One of phone calls and emails. One of forms, and signtures, and desks, and phone calls, and emails, and more forms, and meeting (lots and lots of meetings). The world of case work.

I’m excited. And sad. I’m starting my dream job but leaving my other one behind. But mostly I’m excited.

I’ve wanted to be case worker in the foster care system since before I even knew it was a job. I didn’t know what it was called but I knew that I wanted to work with kids in the foster care system. I knew it when I was 9 years old.

Sure, when you’re a kid you’ve got lots of things you want to do “when you grow up”. I wanted to be a doctor, a veterinarian, a teacher, a dentist, and a cop.  But I always had a longing in my heart for foster kids. I don’t know why. I didn’t really know any foster kids. I wasn’t a foster kid. Heck, I was just a kid myself. Yet, I knew from the young age of 9 that I wanted to adopt and I wanted something to do with foster care.

Of course at 9, I had no idea what that meant. I’m not sure if I even knew the word “foster care” or “foster kid”. But that desire was there. And I know who put it there. I realize how blessed I have been to have had a clear direction my whole life of what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know the details but somehow I always knew I was supposed to work with these kids.

Fast-forward 12 years.

Enter Allendale. I was 21, not even graduated from college and I had an interview with a home for kids with substance abuse issues. Or so I thought. I show up at my interview the day after my last final and find out Allendale isn’t for kids with substance abuse issues. Guess what it’s for. Yup, foster kids. The worst of the worst of those in the system. And I fell in love. I fell in love with my clients and I knew this was what I was meant to do. These were my kids, my people. I knew I was home.

A year passes. It’s not home anymore. It’s “Allenjail”. My kids are horrible, my co-workers are burnt out, and our administration is indifferent and callous to our growing safety concerns as they send us increasingly violent girls. And I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m tired. So I cry out to the Lord.

I ask him to take me out of this situation. I want to see my husband. I want my weekends back. I’m sick of getting bit, and punched, and spit at by 16 year old girls. So I pray. And pray. And pray.

And though it all I hear “stay. Stay. Stay.” So I’d agree for a few weeks and then I’d ask again, “please take me somewhere else. Anywhere else.”  My friends agreed with. My mom agreed with. My husband agreed with me. “You need to get out of Allendale”,  they’d all say. and so again I prayed.

This time I heard, “you are the light in the darkness. A city on a hill. Salt to a dying world”. So once again I obeyed. A month goes by and I’m at it again. I cry, “I’m done! I’m done!” and this time I didn't hear a voice. I got excited! “This is my chance! My time to leave has come!”

But sometimes God’s voice comes in different ways. This time it sounded a lot like my dad. He cautiously mentions to me, “so did you not hear Him or are you choosing to disobey?” Thanks dad. Thanks a lot. I thought I was in the clear. Good to go. Finally free of Allendale.

So I prayed. “Lord, did I misunderstand or am I trying to disobey?” And I tried to convince myself I misunderstood. But I knew I hadn't. I knew he told me to stay. So I did.

“But why Lord?” I cried. I was so unhappy. Didn't God want me to happy? That’s what I had always been told. So why was he telling me to stay. And then I heard him again. “My child, my goal for your life is not for you to be happy….” “But, but ,but,” I stammered. “My goal is for you to look a little bit more like me”, he replied.

And so I stayed. I obeyed. And guess what? I wasn't happy. But I was given joy. I was given the strength to do my job and do it well. I was given clarity to see the small victories.  But overall, I had joy because I knew I was within the will of God. And that is the best place to be.

All through the summer, I wrestled with the Lord. And I finally fell content. Not happy but content with where God had placed me. And then out of nowhere. He showed me something. A position posting. A position I had no chance of even getting an interview for. I wasn't licensed like the position demanded. I didn't have a master live everyone else. Yet, I applied. On a pipe dream, that maybe just maybe it was my time to go.

And then I got interview. I had no hope after the interview. It was 45 minutes long (not nearly as long as most of the upper level position interviews I had been too). They didn't seem impressed. Besides I still didn't have a license. And I still didn't have my masters.

And yet, by God’s perfect design, I got the job. I landed my dream job at the age of 23. What a blessing! Yet, would have I recognized the blessing if I hadn't just been through the previous 12 months? Those months of arguing with God. The tension of wanting to leave but being called to stay. The struggle of learning that my ultimate goal in life should not to be happy but to look like Christ. The moment of learning to rest in God and his will. All those experiences led me here.

If I had disobeyed and left when I wanted, I would not be here; sitting in my new office. I would've missed what God had in store for me. I would never have seen the posting or had the chance to apply if I had listened to my flesh. But God knew. He always knows. He wants me here at Allendale. He had a plan and he has a plan for the future. Why do I always forget? Why do I always want to do it my way when time after time I’m reminded that his way is better?

God has proven himself faithful to me yet one more time. After months of doubting him, he proved himself yet again.

I don’ t know where you are right now. Maybe you are in the stage of “staying”. Maybe God has you in a place you want to be far from. Maybe he has you right where you want to be. It doesn't matter though, because he is in control. Whether it feels that way or not. As long as you are walking in obedience, God has the situation exactly the way he wants it. And he will prove himself to be faithful to you just as he did me. It might look different. And it won’t be on your terms – I can guarantee that. But he will prove himself.

 My period of “staying” was about a year. For you it might be longer. Maybe less. I know it’s hard to be in that place, though. Wondering when God will demonstrate him faithfulness. Wondering when he will rescue you. But the one thing I've learned is even when I’m waiting and staying – He is still faithful. Even if I were to wait for 100 years – he is still faithful! He never left my side. He shaped me more into the woman he wanted me to be, looking a little more like him. He was always faithful. Even when I couldn't see it - he was faithful. 

I know many of you have heard this lyric before and it’s been my favorite for years but it always seems to ring true.  It's as if Sara reached into my soul and wrote the words that are my heart:

I can’t remember a trial or a pain 

He did not recycle to bring me gain 

I can’t remember one single regret 

In serving God only, and trusting His hand 

All I have need of, His hand will provide 

He’s always been faithful to me. 

My Better Half

So let me start off by saying that I apologize if I ever come across as self-righteous or condescending in my blogs. Please know that it is not my intent. I do tend to get carried away and sometimes in my zeal and passion end up coming across as a jerk, so I apologize.

Secondly, I have had so many great ideas for posts but just couldn’t get the words right so maybe one day I’ll finish and post the many half written posts saved on my computer.

Thirdly, I had a really great topic I wanted to write about but since Tuesday is our anniversary I thought my other half, my best friend, my love, my Zack, deserved a little attention.

So on June 25 Zack and I will have been together for five years. FIVE years! And married for TWO! We had the special privileged of being married on the same day we started dating three years previously.

For those who have known us for a while, know that Zack and I’s journey has not always been easy especially in the beginning but I always knew that Zack was a part of God’s plan for my life.

Marriage itself is not easy and I know for some people it’s not that bad. But poor Zack he had the misfortune of marrying a fiercely independent woman who is still trying to figure out what it means to be “one”.

Zack is seriously my better half. I know it’s cheesy but it’s so true. Sure, he’s not perfect but I give him a run for his money and he is so patient with me (way more patient that I would be with me)!

I am headstrong.  Independent. Stubborn. Proud. Opinionated. And while many of these things can be positive characteristics if left unchecked can run amuck and turn me into an unpleasant person to be around – especially when combined.

Zack is the one who keeps me in check. He’s the one who calls me out on my crap and then endures my wrath as I get defensive for being called out. He is so patient with me and he always, always listens to my endless ramblings.

I used see myself as the strong one the one who kept us on track but I am beginning to realize that often Zack is the one who does.  Maybe not in the way that I’m used to but considering he’s the only person who truly see’s my soul and can confront me on the icky stuff in it, I think I’d be lost without him.

Being married forces you to look at your crap. You can’t hide it the way you hide it from the world. Zack and I have the unique ability to be able to push each to be more and more a man/woman after God’s own heart as we look into one another’s soul and lovingly confront and care for each other.

Marriage is partnership and there are often times when I am the strong ones but other times he is. We’ve learned that in order to be good team you have to be willing to step up when the other is faltering and also be willing to rest on the other when you just can’t carry on. Zack and I have that. And that truly blesses me. I love that I know I can trust him to carry me and that I can be a blessing to him and carry him in turn.

 

Recently I’ve had several conversations about marriage with people who are skeptical about the institution of marriage. And in light of today’s culture and perception of marriage, I don’t blame them. However,  Zack and I have a different idea of what marriage is. Marriage is a lot of things but ultimately it’s a representation of Christ and his Church. We are to be an example, a light, to the world of how much the Lord loves his people.  He commands Zack and I to love one another as Christ has loved the Church.

My prayer to the Lord when Zack and I first got together was that together we could bring more glory to Him than either one of us could bring alone. This is still my prayer and I believe the Lord has honored it. We aren’t perfect and we still have many challenges before us, I am sure, but God has been so faithful to us in our marriage. We often forget to put Him at the center and struggle every day to do so yet he remains faithful by giving us grace to carry one and to allow us to continue to help shape each other into the people He wants us to be.

Our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect but I do believe we bring God honor in three ways. 1) By being example to the world of commitment and God’s plan for marriage 2) and example of God’s love for his people and 3) to encourage and challenge one another to be more like Christ.

So all this to say, I am so very thankful for Zack and for the Lord bringing him into my life all those years ago. Not just because I have a built in best friend who always there for me but because together we are becoming more like our creator and living for him. I am so excited to see where he is going to take us in the next year and the years to come. 

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendys remind of my mom. And how much she loves me. Everytime I eat one, I'm brought back to my childhood and special times with my mom.

Because my parents were doemstic missionaires when I was kid (and still are) money was always a bit tight. We lived a frugal life but as a kid I never really seemed to notice. Eating out was a rare occasion and therefore a special one.

Living in rural New Hampshire made things like trips to walmart and the grocery store a lengthy experience.  For us our weekly shopping trip to Concord was an all day experience. My mom would pile my brother and I into the car in the morning and hopefully we'd make back in time to start dinner for my dad.

On these all-day excursions, we would naturally get hungry. In our younger days my mom would just pack snacks for us but when we were a little older fast food restaruants launched the dollar menu. Thus the Wendy trips began.

My mom would drive up to Wendys in the middle of long shopping day and allow us to order two things off the dollar menu and if we were really lucky, three things. And most always it was a Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger and a smally fry. And maybe a frosty if it was a really special day.

As a kid I never really recognized the sacrfices my parents made for my brother and I, but as I look on those days of the Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger I'm reminded about how excited my mom was to be able to provide those cheeseburgers for us. It brought her joy to give us that special treat. Becuase she loved us and wanted to bless us. And that memory blesses me (see my previous entry for my definition of blessed).

Her joy in providing us a special treat reminds me of our Lord. The Bible says that he delights in us - his children (Zephaniah 3:17). He loves to bless us - to give us "Jr.Bacon Cheeseburgers".

So everytime I see a Jr.Bacon Cheesburger I remember my mom. and her sacrifces. and her love. And in return I'm reminded of the Lord and how he longs to bless me. 

So thanks mom, for being an example of Christ's love to me even as a kid when I didn't always recognize it. 

Thanks for Jr.Bacon Cheesburgers.

On the road to become truly blessed.

This will be a quick post as I am off to work but I really felt the need to post ASAP, so forgive me if my writing is weaker than normal.

The bloodshed behind our cheap clothes" 
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/02/opinion/akter-bangladesh/index.html

That is the headline regarding the most recent factory malfunction in Bangladesh. For most people they don't want to think about where our clothes and shoes and tennis rackets and plastic ware come from. They just walk into target and complain about prices and taxes and buy it. 

We are beyond spoiled. The fact that we can walk into Walmart or Target and just buy what we need is amazing but then to think about how did that product come to us. It's a harsh reality that much of our "stuff" is made by human beings working under oppressive conditions with little compensation. 

The Lord has been softening my heart to this for many years but recently he really has challenged Zack and I to put our faith into works. We made the commitment about a month ago to start living a more simple lifestyle but to also stop purchasing goods that are not made through fair trade or in America. 

I LOVE to shop. Always have. But my love for shopping is not nearly as important as humans lives in countries like Bangladesh, Indonesia, and China.

See, as a Christian, I believe we will ALL stand before God. And I believe that God will ask American Christians about the spending and purchasing habits. And I don't think ignorance (which I hardly doubt you can claim with such renowned media sources like CNN) is going to cut. it. And in fact, I know it's not.

Read Matthew 25. Jesus says to all the good religious people (yeah, those people who sit in church every Sunday and don't swear and don't drink or have sex before marriage and maybe even read their Bible - those good religious people) "DEPART FROM ME, you who are cursed" That's right! Jesus said that to the good Christians! Why? Because they did not care for the least of these. They didn't care for the homeless in their town, the abused children in their neighborhood, the people working in sweatshops in Bangladesh  I'm not going to lie - that describes many of the good Christians I know and even myself at times - yikes! If that's not convicting - I don't know what is! 

As Americans we need to start to realize that our "stuff" was made a great price to someone else. And we need to do something about it. Zack and I have started to support local business and organizations that make products fairly and in sustainable ways. Yes, its expensive. Much more expensive than buying at Target (I stopped shopping at walmart almost 3 years ago because of their inhumane practices oversea and their issues with gender equality in the states). Because things are more expensive it also means we have to live more simply, which as Christians, I think we are called to do anyway. 

In our American Churches we often hear the American Dream preached right alongside the Gospel. Somehow, I don't think God is very please with that. In fact the American Dream has turned into something EXTREMELY anti-biblical and not godly at all.

So Zack and I have started to walk away from that dream and God has given us a new way to live life. We like to call it Kingdom Minded. All that we do, we do it for God's kingdom and the advancement of Christ. This includes how we spend our money and the things we support with our time. 

If there is one thing that God taught me during my time in India it was the meaning of the word blessed. I had always read the beatitudes in Matthew 5 with a sort of puzzlement. "Blessed are those who mourn? Blessed are the poor? Blessed are broken? What?" But I began to realize that the way we used the bless in American Christian culture is so opposite of God's definition of being blessed. 

We use the word blessed to mean "something I like has happened to me". I'm blessed to have a new car. I'm blessed to have healthy children. I'm blessed our house didn't get hit by flooding (I even had to catch myself saying that last month with all of the flooding by us).

But see God's definition of blessed is different. His definition is himself. We are blessed when we are with God. God is the only true blessing. So when we are broken, we can see God more clearly - we are blessed. When we are "pure in heart" we see God - we are blessed. When we are poor we don't have "stuff" that clutters our hearts and minds that blocks our view of God (I saw this so clearly in India amidst the poverty there) and when we can hear him and see him - we are blessed. 

This is the mission Zack and I are on. To become truly blessed - to see and be with God. And we believe to do this we must get rid of things that blocks are view of him (for use that means getting rid of our need for "stuff") but it also means treating people, whether we know them or not, with dignity and humanely. 

So this is where we are at. A new chapter in our lives. A total lifestyle change. And even though this lifestyle adjustment is hard, ya know what? We are really excited about it! And we can't wait to see what God is going to do in our lives and through us! 

As an advocate at heart, I really hope that this has sparked something inside of you and maybe are one step closer to a lifestyle change yourself. Please let us know if you have questions as we would love to take this journey with you!

I've listed some websites and organizations we have found helpful in this journey below. 

http://www.ijm.org

http://tradeasone.com

http://www.amazon.com/Interrupted-Adventure-Relearning-Essentials-Faith/dp/1600062172

http://movement121.com/

Terrible Nights

“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called “love” but when I look into my nephew’s eyes. Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights”

This is one of the final lines to Some Nights by the artist “Fun” and every time I hear it I can’t help but think about how much truth there is in this line. The artist correctly recognizes that sometimes something beautiful can come out of something evil. It reminds me of Genesis 50:20 that says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

God has the power to redeem not only people but situations for his glory. I have seen this in my own life and with this introduction I’d like to tell you part of my story that illustrates this concept.

I was raised in a Christian homes by parents who were employed in full-time ministry. And even more than that we lived in community with the people they served and served with. My whole life revolved around this ministry and to an end: God.

I was “saved” at the early age of 5. I remember saying the “sinners prayer” with my mom in our living room right before Christmas. However, I also remember doing it just so I could tell my Sunday school teacher I had done and wipe that smug little grin off a peer who was the only one to raise his hand the week before when our teacher asked us who had accepted Jesus in their hearts. So even from the beginning of my faith, it was flawed.

As I grew, I really do remember loving God. But as I reached adolescence God seemed more and more of an abstract idea and maybe something that only adults really did. “I mean, I’m 11 years old who really cares about living for God? I got my whole adult life to do that!”

Into my teen years I struggled with my relationship with God. He seemed so distant and the things of the Bible so abstract and irrelevant to my life. As stormy times came I called out to God as it seemed the thing to do and while I painted a nice picture to people about what God was “teaching me”, I honestly never really felt like he was there or cared.

However, my story doesn’t get good until I was 15. 2005, probably the worst year of my life to date. This is where my story really starts. I won’t bore you with long details but in short my life fell apart. The ministry my parents went through some very dark days which resulted in many brothers and sisters in Christ treating one another in very un-christlike ways.

 I remember looking out over the campus (affectionately known as “the hill”) and thinking to myself, “God has surely removed his presence from this place.” A place that was once known as a place of great healing was now known as a place of pain and destruction in my eyes. I walked around a shell of the person I used to be. Anger and sadness were now the only two emotions I was acquainted with.

During this time I did what I thought was best and painted a happy face and tried to carry on as life as usual. Battling addictions, anger, depression, and unforgivness in my heart I paraded around my church as the only thing I knew who to be: a good little Christian girl. And as I paraded around the church and the ministry with the face painted on I began to notice a common sentiment: God’s will. Whenever people talked about the things going on at The Hill, people would sigh and then say, “Well it’s all a part of God’s will” or “We just got to keep trusting in God’s will” or “Sometimes God’s will is hard to understand.” The list could go on and on. But you know, you’ve heard these phrases before.

For months I walked around with these phrases echoing in my mind and heart and they only served to provide one end: hatred. I hated God. And when I say I hated God I don’t mean I just didn’t like him. I would sit in church and hurl insults at Him in my heart. I would look at the naive people around me worshipping and think, "Look at these stupid people. They don't realize how horrible this God really is." I HATED him. I hated a God who would cause so much pain in the lives of people I loved. I hated a God who willed his people to act so uncharitable to one another. I hated this God who didn’t even answer me when I called out to him in pain.

 Now, my story in full is very long but telling the whole thing here is not my goal so I will skip forward about a year after the Lord intervened and redeemed me. He melted the anger away in my heart and gave me joy like I never experienced before. He also sent his Spirit which allowed me to interpret his Word for the first time. I was finally growing in him and hearing His voice!

It was during this time of growth that I began to realize something: I had been lied to. All those people prattling on about “God’s will this” and “God’s will that” were obviously regurgitating Christian clichés and not the true truth of God. Yes, I do believe in God’s will and believe that sometimes that includes enduring hardship and even pain, but one thing I concluded through my journey is it is never, ever, God’s will for his people to sin or hurt one another in malice. Not ever.

I believe God allows people to sin and hurt one another but I do not believe it is a part of his “will”. In fact I believe his will is quite opposite. Romans 12:8 says “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” 1John says “Let us love one another!” I could list verse after verse that commands us to love one another. In fact, other than loving God (which is the greatest commandment), the main thing Christ wants us to get is that we need to love one another! So tell my why would a God who commands us over and over again to love would then will his people to hurt one another. Sounds fishy to me.

So now I’ll tell you what this all has to do with Fun’s Some Nights lyrics. This song ends with the image of something beautiful coming from a horrid situation and so does my story. The point is that while God did not will all the pain and sin that affected me so deeply in my early teen years, he did allow it and he did redeem the situation for himself. I don’t specifically know how he redeemed it the lives of others, but I’m sure he did and he certainly did in my life.

When I look back over the story of my walk with the Lord, I often wonder where I would be if I had not walked through that valley. For me God used that dark place to make known how real his love really was and also his power as he worked to melt my harden heart (because I certainly didn’t do it!). This is why I rejoice every time I hear the line, “Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights” because it reminds me of the amazing things God did for me during my terrible nights.

So this week I challenge you to think about your “terrible nights” and how God has redeemed them. Maybe you’re in the middle of a "terrible night" right now and you can’t even imagine how God will bring anything good out of it. Keep on trusting and keep on seeking his face. It’s still going to be hard, because life is hard. But hold on the promise that He “is making all things new” (Revelation 21:5) and he has the power to redeem any situation for your good and ultimately His Glory.

As normal, if you have questions, comments, challenges on my theology, you can leave a comment or email me here.

This is a video featuring "Something Beautiful" by Jars of Clay.

This song took on deep meaning for me during my teen years once

 I realized that God (and God alone) was making me into something beautful.

I'm not totally sure what the video has to do with the song but take a

 minute and listen to the lyrics:

 

"So close my eyes and hold my heart.

Cover me and make me something.

 Change this something normal into something beautiful."

Badly Done.

“Badly done, Emma! Badly done.”

These words are the crescendo of Jane Austen’s classic novel, Emma. And while my name is not quite Emma it might as well be.

During my overnight last night I randomly choose to watch the 1996 film adaptation of Austen’s novel. This is a movie I have seen probably close to a dozen times in my growing up years as it’s one of my mom’s favorites and, I have to admit, I love it too. It had been a while since I’d seen it and since it was one of the only decent movies on hulu+, I went ahead and started it.

I’m always amazed at how God weaves things together. And last night was no different.  In Emma we see the story of young woman (in her early twenties) who is forced to do some growing up which means looking at some of her own shortcomings. Ironically, I recently have been faced with the same thing.

The above quote is said by one of Emma’s closest friends, Mr. Knightly, after she makes a rude, snobbish comment to an older lady in front of a group people. Mr. Knightly seeing how offended the old lady is confronts Emma later and basically tells her to grow up. Emma is defensive at first but the scene ends with her in tears as she realizes how uncharitable she has acted. Because of this event, Emma is able to recognize that her words have had destructive powers not only in this situation but in other ones as well and sets off to improve herself in this regard. 

This is a theme in Austin’s novels – this self- realization that is all too often unpleasant as her heroines are forced to examine some disagreeable character flaw. In a recent book I have been reading, Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman’s Choice, the author spends a chapter discussing this very thing.  The chapter entitled Longing: From Disparity to Desire, speaks of this self-discovery especially discovery of those things that may be unsavory about oneself. She uses another one of Austin’s classic heroines, Elizabeth Bennet, to depict this concept. The author chronicles the scene after Mr.Darcy proposes and delivers to Lizzy a note explaining “the charges laid at my door”. In this letter Elizabeth is forced to look at her own pride and realize she herself had been blinded by prejudice. She is faced with learning something unpleasant about herself she didn’t even realize was a struggle.

So here am I, reading this book (Unseduced and Undignified) and watching Emma on hula+ with little understanding that the Lord was about to use both of these things to teach me a very big lesson. See earlier this week an issue arose at work and God used this issue coupled with the book, the movie, and His Word to stretch me and grow me.

 Several months ago, a co-worker and myself were complaining about another co-worker who has had significant issues with performing his required duties at work. We were upset because we felt that he was a liability to us (I have a potentially dangerous job and we need to have stable people backing us up) and we often had to cover our own butts by redoing is poorly done paperwork.  While I believe our frustrations were not in any way inappropriate the way we went about expressing those frustrations were. Some very uncharitable things came out of my mouth and I realize they did not reflect Christ at all.

Now if we had just complained to each other and moved on it would’ve been one thing but unfortunately, one of our clients overheard us and decided to use this information to her advantage.  She continued to spread what she had heard me say until is reached my superiors and while I was never confronted personally we were given a stern lecture (by my otherwise very un-stern boss) in our weekly meeting about the dangers and unprofessionalism of talking about each other at work.

As we sat in this meeting and my boss went on and on I could tell everyone knew what specifically he was talking about it and knew that I was one of those involved in the issue that had prompted this lecture. It was mortifying. I realized that not only had my unkind words made their way back to the co-worker I was speaking about, I had tainted my reputation by turning myself into a gossip and a backstabber.

This was my “ah-ha” moment. The point where I was forced to realize something about myself that I had never considered myself before and I didn’t like it. As a Christian, I strive to let Christ shine through me and I never felt failure in that like I did this week. I realized that my words not only hurt someone but that they had given me an unsavory reputation with my co-workers and my supervisors. Ouch.

But the Lord was gracious to me. As I dumbfoundedly tried to come to terms with who I had become in this regard, he sent me several sources to encourage me. He lovingly showed me through Emma  and Unseduced that I was not alone in this struggle and that in fact, coming face to face with oneself was a chance for great growth and not discouragement necessarily.

He then gave me Psalm 19:14: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation on my heart be acceptable in you sight, O LORD, my rock, and my redeemer. God showed me that I wasn’t just to change the words that came out of my mouth but that I was to manage the “meditation of my heart” as well. I needed to be “transformed by the renewal of my mind”. It wasn’t just my behavior but my heart as well that needed to be changed.  

 Ironically, Emma also struggled with controlling her tongue and it was what got her into trouble as well. James, the brother of Jesus, tells us that “The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile an sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being came tame the tongue.”

  I can remember my dad making me read James as a young girl, cautioning me all the way back then that my mouth would one day get me into trouble. Since then, I have brushed off any real conviction of watching my tongue, but God in his greatness is showing me that my words are powerful and that with them I can build up or destroy. My hope and prayer is that this week’s revelation would be a new start for me one where I will be more conscious of the words I speak and where my heart is.

For me it was my words. For you it will probably be something different. The point is we all have blind spots in our lives. Things we don’t want to admit we’ve become. And while looking into the mirror and accepting these flaws in our character are extremely difficult they are necessary if we wish to grow. Awareness should (hopefully) bring about change. So let us be people that pray for awareness, especially self-awareness that we may be people who are growing more and more to look like Christ.

So although the words, “Badly done, Emily! Badly done.” are still ringing in my ears; I am thankful there is forgiveness and from this experience I can look a little bit more like Him.

Thru My Cottage Door: My Mother In Law: Kay

Thru My Cottage Door: My Mother In Law: Kay: My mother-in-law passed away a year ago today.   Oh how she loved our children, they were so blessed by her at every turn.  Her Generosity ...

Grandma Kay

Four years ago I lost someone very special to me. I wrote a two page blog about everything I felt that day and my anger surrounding her death and funeral, but it's not here. I realized that however therapeutic it was for me to write all of that out, it didn't need to end up on here. So today I just want to say I miss you Grandma Kay.

 I miss your stuffed artichokes and meatballs. I miss your practical jokes and making me laugh. I miss the way you thought everything was a conspiracy: “I swear Jewel and Dominick's get together and put the same stuff on sale each week!”  

I miss your flowers and the way you kept the house so spotless. I miss the way you pretended to hate the dogs but then would secretly feed them ice cream in private. I miss the way you always said, “oh c’mon!” every time we would tease you. 

I miss the way you would yell at the Cubs players on TV even though I’m pretty sure you knew nothing about baseball. I miss you stopping to talk to EVERYONE in the store. I miss going to Caputos with you and listening to you speak Italian with the butcher. 

I miss your giving spirit. I miss how much you cared about our family.  

I miss you.  I love you. 

Finding Myself

"You can run to the end of the highway and not find what you’re looking for

And you can search to the end of highway and come back no better than before

But to find yourself you, you've got to start right here"

So many of my posts have these deep theological bases as I explore different topics that arise in my day to day life. Theology and philosophy have always come easy to me. My parents taught me to think critically and well about the issues around me. My whole life people have always told me how impressed they are with my thoughtfulness when it comes to these types of issues. However, while I may be gifted in articulating the things of above, I often use it to hide behind my real issues. If I can speak eloquently about the doctrine of God’s love or of the best way to handle issues of poverty then I can effortlessly direct people’s attention away from my own major flaws.

A few years ago, at the start of my junior year, I was on a student leadership retreat with Trinity and on opening night our speaker talked to us about fear. He encouraged us to identify our fears and then face them so that in the upcoming year our fears would not hold us back in our ministries. I knew instantly what I was afraid of: I was afraid of letting people know that I was afraid. Afraid of failure. Afraid of not being perfect. I wrote this prayer in response to those feelings and thoughts that night:

So tonight we talked about fear. And I am afraid. Afraid of my sin. Of how people would react if they knew. Afraid of failing. Afraid of being judged. Afraid of losing my status, my leadership, my influence, my identity. 

I am the perfect one. The one who has the answer. Who knows it all. The mature one. The educated one. The one who everyone thinks, “Wow! She knows her stuff – she must really love God!”

 While some of that may be true I am also something else. I am the one who messes up. But won’t admit it. The  one who sometimes doesn't understand – but knows enough to fake her way through. The one who can’t be real. The one who doesn't feel good enough. The one who can’t accept God’s grace.  

I am the one who has to be right. Who has to be on top. The one who needs to have the answers. The one who always seems confident. This is my identity. And admitting that I sometimes don’t know is what I am afraid of.

My junior year was one of enlightenment. I began to understand where my identity lay and how to change it to reflect Christ and nothing more. But as with most things, old habits die hard. And lately I have found myself once again confused about who I am.

I have been inside the “bubble” for practically my whole life. Until last January that is. For those who don’t know what the bubble is let me put it this way, I was home-schooled my whole life, spent most of time growing up either at church or at the ministry where my parents worked, in high school all my friends were friends from church, and then I went to a very small, somewhat conservative, Christian college – the bubble. In the bubble I flourished – I always knew the right thing to say, the right way to act, the perfect way to put some else down (in a “godly” way mind you), the right way to elevate myself without coming across as arrogant. In short, I knew how to play the game and I played it pretty darn well!

But then, I left the bubble. And all of sudden the game was completely changed. I tried quickly to adapt to the new game but it was so counter-cultural to the one that I grew up playing that I gave up. I figured if you can’t beat them – join them. And within a matter of weeks I became a totally different person. The way I acted at work, the things that came out my mouth were so opposite of how I was raised or how I had behaved for my whole life.

Someone at church once said to me, “What a great ministry you must have at your work!” and as I nodded my head I thought dismally, “If you only knew how I acted at work.”  Because the fact was that as soon as I set foot into my work place, I left behind everything that would show someone I was Christ follower. I even delayed adding my co-workers on Facebook because I didn't want them to have to see my “Christian” status’ in fear that maybe they wouldn't want to be friends with me anymore. But the thought of disappointing everyone who thought of me as the good little Christian girl, pushed me to continue adding thoughtful spiritual posts. 

I realize now that I am chameleon. I am a chameleon because of my insecurities. I have always been insecure in who I am. I realize that I have a powerful personality and because of that there are times when it makes me unpopular. I was a very awkward child and never felt like I fit in anywhere. Even among my best friends I always was unsure if they really liked me or not. As well, I have always been very insecure with my looks. Struggling with my weight, acne, and stick-straight hair since high school have always weighed heavily on my mind. I never liked to show it and always put an ultra-confident face on even though most of the time I wasn't.

So I am a chameleon, while in the bubble I blended in there and while in the world, I blended in there as well. The problem is I that while I was so busy being a chameleon in the Christian bubble something happened, I actually began to fall in love with God. It got to the point where I didn't do things just to impress people but because I actually wanted to serve God. Unfortunately though, I was still a chameleon so as soon as my surrounding changed so did I. but it was hard. I didn't want to change. I tried justifying my change as “I don’t want to be one of those Christians who’s so stuck up that no one wants to be around them” but really all this did was justify my sin. But I’m sick of it.

I don’t want to be a chameleon anymore.  I want to live for Christ. Not because it is the cool thing to do among my Christian friends but because I love Him. Nor do I want to be the girl who seems unapproachable to her co-workers because she is so high on her horse. But I do want them to see Christ. I want them to see Christ in how I love others and talk kindly about people. How I am there for them and will listen to there problems and never judge them yet without condoning their sin. I don’t want to be afraid for them to see my “spiritual” posts and neither do I want to make such posts just for the sake of gaining brownie points with the other bubble people.

So I am done. Done with being camouflaged to my surroundings. I am done with being afraid. I am ready to live in the light and be secure in who Christ made me to be and who I am in him.  So I’m writing this post to the people who know me from inside the bubble and those who know me from outside. I want those inside to know that I am not perfect (which you may have already guessed) and I’m sorry that I have not always been authentic with you. I am completely flawed and broken but through Christ I am being reconciled and renewed. And for those who I know from outside the bubble – this is who I really am. A follower of Christ. I love him and I want my life to be a testament of his love and mercy to all. And to you I apologize that I haven't been a better example of Christ to you. 

I don’t want to be afraid anymore. This is who I am: an imperfect, broken, sinner being sanctified by a loving savior.  

My goal now is to live for Christ and Christ alone. 

 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

As usual if you have anything to say - say it below or email me by clicking here. 

Thou Art Worthy

I recently had a conversation with my father about a preacher (Paul Washer https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=EAMuoucAEY0# ) we had heard who was cautioning the American Church on its humanistic bent. I told my dad, that I was concerned with a statement that Washer had made, “Church is not about meeting the needs of the people”. I was taken aback by this statement especially considering many of my previous entries have been all about loving and caring for people the way Christ cared for the people of his time. I mean after all didn't Christ meet the physical needs of those who followed him around, like in the story of feeding of the five thousand? (remember that story for later)

But my dad made a comment that stuck with me as I was expressing my concern, “People sometimes want the things Christ can provide and not Christ himself.” Hmm, I've definitely seen that. People who use God as “fire-insurance”, if you will.

So this topic had been in the back of my mind but I really hadn't had time to digest it when I came across John 6 in my daily devotions: Jesus Feeds the Five Thousand. Now we all know this story, in fact, I just used it to illustrate my point above about the importance of meeting the needs of the people around us. So as I’m reading the passage I’m thinking, “This is the perfect passage to prove my dad and that Washer guy wrong! Our first and foremost thought should be about meeting the needs of the people!” Aaaaaaaand then I got to verse 26, “Jesus answered them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you.’”

Whoa! That’s almost word for word what my dad had told me earlier this week (I just want to insert here how cool I find it that God always finds a way to weave my devotional passage into something relevant in my life! He’s so awesome!). So I began to really think more about the initial comment that sparked this conversation, “Church is not about meeting the needs of the people”.

So what then is Church’s primary goal? God is. God and his glory is what church is all about. And this brings me back to thesis of Washer’s sermon: the American church has made things too much about us: man. And not enough about God. After all, isn't he kind of the point of, well, everything!

Personally, I think a good litmus test of where we place our emphasis on in our churches is how many times we sing the words “I, me, us, we, our” in our worship songs. Too often our “worship” songs are not really about God but about what God has done for US, or how WE feel about God, or what WE need to do better for God. Very rarely is the song simply just about God’s greatness and who he is. (Which is why I love “How Great is Our God” by Chris Tomlin because it solely focuses on God and him independent from us. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pF11qnJ8rw )

Now all this to say, I don’t think it necessarily wrong to sing songs about what God has done for us (because he has done some pretty amazing things!) or our response to him, the problem is when it becomes all about how God relates to us when we need to realize that while we are nothing without God, God is not defined by what he does for us or how we feel about him or even what we do for him. In other words, while we will always be dependent on Him, He will ALWAYS be independent from us. Kinda puts things into perspective now doesn't it.

Ok back to the “point of church” thing. Now this is tricky, because I don’t think we are called to forsake meeting the needs of people (Obviously, as we see from Jesus’ ministry it is vitally important). But it’s not the most important. The danger, as Washer points out, is that once church and Christianity becomes all about meetings one’s needs what happens when the church can’t meet all their physical and emotional needs? Does that mean God ceases to be good?

I think this is hard concept for us Americans to understand because of the endless prosperity we live in. However, most of our fellow humans do not. Many Christians around the world live in dire poverty. I had the humbling experience of witnessing this first hand while I was in India a few years ago. And you know what, while the church there did seek to meet people needs often times due to financial restraints they were not met fully and guess what? Their faith still grew rather than diminishing.

 In other words, if our emphasis is just on meeting people’s needs their faith is going to die the instant we stop meeting those needs. And as Christ makes it very clear, we will have trouble in this world. Our needs will not always be met (and for many Christians they are not). But if this is our main emphasis and our selling point of God then when that trouble comes it will be like the seed that fell on shallow ground. Our faith will die, just as the seed did.

Our “selling” point to people about God is the Gospel not all the “perks” of being a Christian. Because truly living like Christ is hard work and our needs aren't always going to be met, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.” Or as the Message puts it: “Jesus was curt: ‘Are you ready to rough it? We’re not staying in the best inns, you know.’”

Ok, ok. So what’s my point? As I've written before it’s important that we are loving and caring for people the way Christ did which often means meeting their physical and emotional needs but more importantly we need to be pointing them to God and the Gospel. Having your needs met means nothing without the Gospel. Therefore, the Gospel and Christ is the point of church.  God wants people who love him not the “stuff” he can give them.

So the challenge for myself (and all of us really): is to look into my heart and discern – do I love and follow God because of who he is and because he is the Great I Am or just because I like the benefits of God having my back? 

May we all love and follow Him for simply being the God who is worthy to receive honor, glory and power (Revelation 4:11). Amen.

“Thou art worthy, thou art worthy

Thou art worthy, oh Lord

Thou art worthy to receive glory

Glory and honor and praise

For thou hast created, all things created

For thou hast created all things

And for Thy pleasure they are created

Thou art worthy, oh Lord”

As always if you have comments, questions, thoughts, complaints, or ramblings, I'd love to hear from you. You can email me here or leave me a comment!