My Better Half

So let me start off by saying that I apologize if I ever come across as self-righteous or condescending in my blogs. Please know that it is not my intent. I do tend to get carried away and sometimes in my zeal and passion end up coming across as a jerk, so I apologize.

Secondly, I have had so many great ideas for posts but just couldn’t get the words right so maybe one day I’ll finish and post the many half written posts saved on my computer.

Thirdly, I had a really great topic I wanted to write about but since Tuesday is our anniversary I thought my other half, my best friend, my love, my Zack, deserved a little attention.

So on June 25 Zack and I will have been together for five years. FIVE years! And married for TWO! We had the special privileged of being married on the same day we started dating three years previously.

For those who have known us for a while, know that Zack and I’s journey has not always been easy especially in the beginning but I always knew that Zack was a part of God’s plan for my life.

Marriage itself is not easy and I know for some people it’s not that bad. But poor Zack he had the misfortune of marrying a fiercely independent woman who is still trying to figure out what it means to be “one”.

Zack is seriously my better half. I know it’s cheesy but it’s so true. Sure, he’s not perfect but I give him a run for his money and he is so patient with me (way more patient that I would be with me)!

I am headstrong.  Independent. Stubborn. Proud. Opinionated. And while many of these things can be positive characteristics if left unchecked can run amuck and turn me into an unpleasant person to be around – especially when combined.

Zack is the one who keeps me in check. He’s the one who calls me out on my crap and then endures my wrath as I get defensive for being called out. He is so patient with me and he always, always listens to my endless ramblings.

I used see myself as the strong one the one who kept us on track but I am beginning to realize that often Zack is the one who does.  Maybe not in the way that I’m used to but considering he’s the only person who truly see’s my soul and can confront me on the icky stuff in it, I think I’d be lost without him.

Being married forces you to look at your crap. You can’t hide it the way you hide it from the world. Zack and I have the unique ability to be able to push each to be more and more a man/woman after God’s own heart as we look into one another’s soul and lovingly confront and care for each other.

Marriage is partnership and there are often times when I am the strong ones but other times he is. We’ve learned that in order to be good team you have to be willing to step up when the other is faltering and also be willing to rest on the other when you just can’t carry on. Zack and I have that. And that truly blesses me. I love that I know I can trust him to carry me and that I can be a blessing to him and carry him in turn.

 

Recently I’ve had several conversations about marriage with people who are skeptical about the institution of marriage. And in light of today’s culture and perception of marriage, I don’t blame them. However,  Zack and I have a different idea of what marriage is. Marriage is a lot of things but ultimately it’s a representation of Christ and his Church. We are to be an example, a light, to the world of how much the Lord loves his people.  He commands Zack and I to love one another as Christ has loved the Church.

My prayer to the Lord when Zack and I first got together was that together we could bring more glory to Him than either one of us could bring alone. This is still my prayer and I believe the Lord has honored it. We aren’t perfect and we still have many challenges before us, I am sure, but God has been so faithful to us in our marriage. We often forget to put Him at the center and struggle every day to do so yet he remains faithful by giving us grace to carry one and to allow us to continue to help shape each other into the people He wants us to be.

Our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect but I do believe we bring God honor in three ways. 1) By being example to the world of commitment and God’s plan for marriage 2) and example of God’s love for his people and 3) to encourage and challenge one another to be more like Christ.

So all this to say, I am so very thankful for Zack and for the Lord bringing him into my life all those years ago. Not just because I have a built in best friend who always there for me but because together we are becoming more like our creator and living for him. I am so excited to see where he is going to take us in the next year and the years to come. 

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendys remind of my mom. And how much she loves me. Everytime I eat one, I'm brought back to my childhood and special times with my mom.

Because my parents were doemstic missionaires when I was kid (and still are) money was always a bit tight. We lived a frugal life but as a kid I never really seemed to notice. Eating out was a rare occasion and therefore a special one.

Living in rural New Hampshire made things like trips to walmart and the grocery store a lengthy experience.  For us our weekly shopping trip to Concord was an all day experience. My mom would pile my brother and I into the car in the morning and hopefully we'd make back in time to start dinner for my dad.

On these all-day excursions, we would naturally get hungry. In our younger days my mom would just pack snacks for us but when we were a little older fast food restaruants launched the dollar menu. Thus the Wendy trips began.

My mom would drive up to Wendys in the middle of long shopping day and allow us to order two things off the dollar menu and if we were really lucky, three things. And most always it was a Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger and a smally fry. And maybe a frosty if it was a really special day.

As a kid I never really recognized the sacrfices my parents made for my brother and I, but as I look on those days of the Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger I'm reminded about how excited my mom was to be able to provide those cheeseburgers for us. It brought her joy to give us that special treat. Becuase she loved us and wanted to bless us. And that memory blesses me (see my previous entry for my definition of blessed).

Her joy in providing us a special treat reminds me of our Lord. The Bible says that he delights in us - his children (Zephaniah 3:17). He loves to bless us - to give us "Jr.Bacon Cheeseburgers".

So everytime I see a Jr.Bacon Cheesburger I remember my mom. and her sacrifces. and her love. And in return I'm reminded of the Lord and how he longs to bless me. 

So thanks mom, for being an example of Christ's love to me even as a kid when I didn't always recognize it. 

Thanks for Jr.Bacon Cheesburgers.

On the road to become truly blessed.

This will be a quick post as I am off to work but I really felt the need to post ASAP, so forgive me if my writing is weaker than normal.

The bloodshed behind our cheap clothes" 
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/02/opinion/akter-bangladesh/index.html

That is the headline regarding the most recent factory malfunction in Bangladesh. For most people they don't want to think about where our clothes and shoes and tennis rackets and plastic ware come from. They just walk into target and complain about prices and taxes and buy it. 

We are beyond spoiled. The fact that we can walk into Walmart or Target and just buy what we need is amazing but then to think about how did that product come to us. It's a harsh reality that much of our "stuff" is made by human beings working under oppressive conditions with little compensation. 

The Lord has been softening my heart to this for many years but recently he really has challenged Zack and I to put our faith into works. We made the commitment about a month ago to start living a more simple lifestyle but to also stop purchasing goods that are not made through fair trade or in America. 

I LOVE to shop. Always have. But my love for shopping is not nearly as important as humans lives in countries like Bangladesh, Indonesia, and China.

See, as a Christian, I believe we will ALL stand before God. And I believe that God will ask American Christians about the spending and purchasing habits. And I don't think ignorance (which I hardly doubt you can claim with such renowned media sources like CNN) is going to cut. it. And in fact, I know it's not.

Read Matthew 25. Jesus says to all the good religious people (yeah, those people who sit in church every Sunday and don't swear and don't drink or have sex before marriage and maybe even read their Bible - those good religious people) "DEPART FROM ME, you who are cursed" That's right! Jesus said that to the good Christians! Why? Because they did not care for the least of these. They didn't care for the homeless in their town, the abused children in their neighborhood, the people working in sweatshops in Bangladesh  I'm not going to lie - that describes many of the good Christians I know and even myself at times - yikes! If that's not convicting - I don't know what is! 

As Americans we need to start to realize that our "stuff" was made a great price to someone else. And we need to do something about it. Zack and I have started to support local business and organizations that make products fairly and in sustainable ways. Yes, its expensive. Much more expensive than buying at Target (I stopped shopping at walmart almost 3 years ago because of their inhumane practices oversea and their issues with gender equality in the states). Because things are more expensive it also means we have to live more simply, which as Christians, I think we are called to do anyway. 

In our American Churches we often hear the American Dream preached right alongside the Gospel. Somehow, I don't think God is very please with that. In fact the American Dream has turned into something EXTREMELY anti-biblical and not godly at all.

So Zack and I have started to walk away from that dream and God has given us a new way to live life. We like to call it Kingdom Minded. All that we do, we do it for God's kingdom and the advancement of Christ. This includes how we spend our money and the things we support with our time. 

If there is one thing that God taught me during my time in India it was the meaning of the word blessed. I had always read the beatitudes in Matthew 5 with a sort of puzzlement. "Blessed are those who mourn? Blessed are the poor? Blessed are broken? What?" But I began to realize that the way we used the bless in American Christian culture is so opposite of God's definition of being blessed. 

We use the word blessed to mean "something I like has happened to me". I'm blessed to have a new car. I'm blessed to have healthy children. I'm blessed our house didn't get hit by flooding (I even had to catch myself saying that last month with all of the flooding by us).

But see God's definition of blessed is different. His definition is himself. We are blessed when we are with God. God is the only true blessing. So when we are broken, we can see God more clearly - we are blessed. When we are "pure in heart" we see God - we are blessed. When we are poor we don't have "stuff" that clutters our hearts and minds that blocks our view of God (I saw this so clearly in India amidst the poverty there) and when we can hear him and see him - we are blessed. 

This is the mission Zack and I are on. To become truly blessed - to see and be with God. And we believe to do this we must get rid of things that blocks are view of him (for use that means getting rid of our need for "stuff") but it also means treating people, whether we know them or not, with dignity and humanely. 

So this is where we are at. A new chapter in our lives. A total lifestyle change. And even though this lifestyle adjustment is hard, ya know what? We are really excited about it! And we can't wait to see what God is going to do in our lives and through us! 

As an advocate at heart, I really hope that this has sparked something inside of you and maybe are one step closer to a lifestyle change yourself. Please let us know if you have questions as we would love to take this journey with you!

I've listed some websites and organizations we have found helpful in this journey below. 

http://www.ijm.org

http://tradeasone.com

http://www.amazon.com/Interrupted-Adventure-Relearning-Essentials-Faith/dp/1600062172

http://movement121.com/

Terrible Nights

“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called “love” but when I look into my nephew’s eyes. Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights”

This is one of the final lines to Some Nights by the artist “Fun” and every time I hear it I can’t help but think about how much truth there is in this line. The artist correctly recognizes that sometimes something beautiful can come out of something evil. It reminds me of Genesis 50:20 that says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

God has the power to redeem not only people but situations for his glory. I have seen this in my own life and with this introduction I’d like to tell you part of my story that illustrates this concept.

I was raised in a Christian homes by parents who were employed in full-time ministry. And even more than that we lived in community with the people they served and served with. My whole life revolved around this ministry and to an end: God.

I was “saved” at the early age of 5. I remember saying the “sinners prayer” with my mom in our living room right before Christmas. However, I also remember doing it just so I could tell my Sunday school teacher I had done and wipe that smug little grin off a peer who was the only one to raise his hand the week before when our teacher asked us who had accepted Jesus in their hearts. So even from the beginning of my faith, it was flawed.

As I grew, I really do remember loving God. But as I reached adolescence God seemed more and more of an abstract idea and maybe something that only adults really did. “I mean, I’m 11 years old who really cares about living for God? I got my whole adult life to do that!”

Into my teen years I struggled with my relationship with God. He seemed so distant and the things of the Bible so abstract and irrelevant to my life. As stormy times came I called out to God as it seemed the thing to do and while I painted a nice picture to people about what God was “teaching me”, I honestly never really felt like he was there or cared.

However, my story doesn’t get good until I was 15. 2005, probably the worst year of my life to date. This is where my story really starts. I won’t bore you with long details but in short my life fell apart. The ministry my parents went through some very dark days which resulted in many brothers and sisters in Christ treating one another in very un-christlike ways.

 I remember looking out over the campus (affectionately known as “the hill”) and thinking to myself, “God has surely removed his presence from this place.” A place that was once known as a place of great healing was now known as a place of pain and destruction in my eyes. I walked around a shell of the person I used to be. Anger and sadness were now the only two emotions I was acquainted with.

During this time I did what I thought was best and painted a happy face and tried to carry on as life as usual. Battling addictions, anger, depression, and unforgivness in my heart I paraded around my church as the only thing I knew who to be: a good little Christian girl. And as I paraded around the church and the ministry with the face painted on I began to notice a common sentiment: God’s will. Whenever people talked about the things going on at The Hill, people would sigh and then say, “Well it’s all a part of God’s will” or “We just got to keep trusting in God’s will” or “Sometimes God’s will is hard to understand.” The list could go on and on. But you know, you’ve heard these phrases before.

For months I walked around with these phrases echoing in my mind and heart and they only served to provide one end: hatred. I hated God. And when I say I hated God I don’t mean I just didn’t like him. I would sit in church and hurl insults at Him in my heart. I would look at the naive people around me worshipping and think, "Look at these stupid people. They don't realize how horrible this God really is." I HATED him. I hated a God who would cause so much pain in the lives of people I loved. I hated a God who willed his people to act so uncharitable to one another. I hated this God who didn’t even answer me when I called out to him in pain.

 Now, my story in full is very long but telling the whole thing here is not my goal so I will skip forward about a year after the Lord intervened and redeemed me. He melted the anger away in my heart and gave me joy like I never experienced before. He also sent his Spirit which allowed me to interpret his Word for the first time. I was finally growing in him and hearing His voice!

It was during this time of growth that I began to realize something: I had been lied to. All those people prattling on about “God’s will this” and “God’s will that” were obviously regurgitating Christian clichés and not the true truth of God. Yes, I do believe in God’s will and believe that sometimes that includes enduring hardship and even pain, but one thing I concluded through my journey is it is never, ever, God’s will for his people to sin or hurt one another in malice. Not ever.

I believe God allows people to sin and hurt one another but I do not believe it is a part of his “will”. In fact I believe his will is quite opposite. Romans 12:8 says “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” 1John says “Let us love one another!” I could list verse after verse that commands us to love one another. In fact, other than loving God (which is the greatest commandment), the main thing Christ wants us to get is that we need to love one another! So tell my why would a God who commands us over and over again to love would then will his people to hurt one another. Sounds fishy to me.

So now I’ll tell you what this all has to do with Fun’s Some Nights lyrics. This song ends with the image of something beautiful coming from a horrid situation and so does my story. The point is that while God did not will all the pain and sin that affected me so deeply in my early teen years, he did allow it and he did redeem the situation for himself. I don’t specifically know how he redeemed it the lives of others, but I’m sure he did and he certainly did in my life.

When I look back over the story of my walk with the Lord, I often wonder where I would be if I had not walked through that valley. For me God used that dark place to make known how real his love really was and also his power as he worked to melt my harden heart (because I certainly didn’t do it!). This is why I rejoice every time I hear the line, “Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights” because it reminds me of the amazing things God did for me during my terrible nights.

So this week I challenge you to think about your “terrible nights” and how God has redeemed them. Maybe you’re in the middle of a "terrible night" right now and you can’t even imagine how God will bring anything good out of it. Keep on trusting and keep on seeking his face. It’s still going to be hard, because life is hard. But hold on the promise that He “is making all things new” (Revelation 21:5) and he has the power to redeem any situation for your good and ultimately His Glory.

As normal, if you have questions, comments, challenges on my theology, you can leave a comment or email me here.

This is a video featuring "Something Beautiful" by Jars of Clay.

This song took on deep meaning for me during my teen years once

 I realized that God (and God alone) was making me into something beautful.

I'm not totally sure what the video has to do with the song but take a

 minute and listen to the lyrics:

 

"So close my eyes and hold my heart.

Cover me and make me something.

 Change this something normal into something beautiful."

Badly Done.

“Badly done, Emma! Badly done.”

These words are the crescendo of Jane Austen’s classic novel, Emma. And while my name is not quite Emma it might as well be.

During my overnight last night I randomly choose to watch the 1996 film adaptation of Austen’s novel. This is a movie I have seen probably close to a dozen times in my growing up years as it’s one of my mom’s favorites and, I have to admit, I love it too. It had been a while since I’d seen it and since it was one of the only decent movies on hulu+, I went ahead and started it.

I’m always amazed at how God weaves things together. And last night was no different.  In Emma we see the story of young woman (in her early twenties) who is forced to do some growing up which means looking at some of her own shortcomings. Ironically, I recently have been faced with the same thing.

The above quote is said by one of Emma’s closest friends, Mr. Knightly, after she makes a rude, snobbish comment to an older lady in front of a group people. Mr. Knightly seeing how offended the old lady is confronts Emma later and basically tells her to grow up. Emma is defensive at first but the scene ends with her in tears as she realizes how uncharitable she has acted. Because of this event, Emma is able to recognize that her words have had destructive powers not only in this situation but in other ones as well and sets off to improve herself in this regard. 

This is a theme in Austin’s novels – this self- realization that is all too often unpleasant as her heroines are forced to examine some disagreeable character flaw. In a recent book I have been reading, Unseduced and Unshaken: The Place of Dignity in a Young Woman’s Choice, the author spends a chapter discussing this very thing.  The chapter entitled Longing: From Disparity to Desire, speaks of this self-discovery especially discovery of those things that may be unsavory about oneself. She uses another one of Austin’s classic heroines, Elizabeth Bennet, to depict this concept. The author chronicles the scene after Mr.Darcy proposes and delivers to Lizzy a note explaining “the charges laid at my door”. In this letter Elizabeth is forced to look at her own pride and realize she herself had been blinded by prejudice. She is faced with learning something unpleasant about herself she didn’t even realize was a struggle.

So here am I, reading this book (Unseduced and Undignified) and watching Emma on hula+ with little understanding that the Lord was about to use both of these things to teach me a very big lesson. See earlier this week an issue arose at work and God used this issue coupled with the book, the movie, and His Word to stretch me and grow me.

 Several months ago, a co-worker and myself were complaining about another co-worker who has had significant issues with performing his required duties at work. We were upset because we felt that he was a liability to us (I have a potentially dangerous job and we need to have stable people backing us up) and we often had to cover our own butts by redoing is poorly done paperwork.  While I believe our frustrations were not in any way inappropriate the way we went about expressing those frustrations were. Some very uncharitable things came out of my mouth and I realize they did not reflect Christ at all.

Now if we had just complained to each other and moved on it would’ve been one thing but unfortunately, one of our clients overheard us and decided to use this information to her advantage.  She continued to spread what she had heard me say until is reached my superiors and while I was never confronted personally we were given a stern lecture (by my otherwise very un-stern boss) in our weekly meeting about the dangers and unprofessionalism of talking about each other at work.

As we sat in this meeting and my boss went on and on I could tell everyone knew what specifically he was talking about it and knew that I was one of those involved in the issue that had prompted this lecture. It was mortifying. I realized that not only had my unkind words made their way back to the co-worker I was speaking about, I had tainted my reputation by turning myself into a gossip and a backstabber.

This was my “ah-ha” moment. The point where I was forced to realize something about myself that I had never considered myself before and I didn’t like it. As a Christian, I strive to let Christ shine through me and I never felt failure in that like I did this week. I realized that my words not only hurt someone but that they had given me an unsavory reputation with my co-workers and my supervisors. Ouch.

But the Lord was gracious to me. As I dumbfoundedly tried to come to terms with who I had become in this regard, he sent me several sources to encourage me. He lovingly showed me through Emma  and Unseduced that I was not alone in this struggle and that in fact, coming face to face with oneself was a chance for great growth and not discouragement necessarily.

He then gave me Psalm 19:14: “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation on my heart be acceptable in you sight, O LORD, my rock, and my redeemer. God showed me that I wasn’t just to change the words that came out of my mouth but that I was to manage the “meditation of my heart” as well. I needed to be “transformed by the renewal of my mind”. It wasn’t just my behavior but my heart as well that needed to be changed.  

 Ironically, Emma also struggled with controlling her tongue and it was what got her into trouble as well. James, the brother of Jesus, tells us that “The tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell. For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile an sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being came tame the tongue.”

  I can remember my dad making me read James as a young girl, cautioning me all the way back then that my mouth would one day get me into trouble. Since then, I have brushed off any real conviction of watching my tongue, but God in his greatness is showing me that my words are powerful and that with them I can build up or destroy. My hope and prayer is that this week’s revelation would be a new start for me one where I will be more conscious of the words I speak and where my heart is.

For me it was my words. For you it will probably be something different. The point is we all have blind spots in our lives. Things we don’t want to admit we’ve become. And while looking into the mirror and accepting these flaws in our character are extremely difficult they are necessary if we wish to grow. Awareness should (hopefully) bring about change. So let us be people that pray for awareness, especially self-awareness that we may be people who are growing more and more to look like Christ.

So although the words, “Badly done, Emily! Badly done.” are still ringing in my ears; I am thankful there is forgiveness and from this experience I can look a little bit more like Him.

Thru My Cottage Door: My Mother In Law: Kay

Thru My Cottage Door: My Mother In Law: Kay: My mother-in-law passed away a year ago today.   Oh how she loved our children, they were so blessed by her at every turn.  Her Generosity ...

Grandma Kay

Four years ago I lost someone very special to me. I wrote a two page blog about everything I felt that day and my anger surrounding her death and funeral, but it's not here. I realized that however therapeutic it was for me to write all of that out, it didn't need to end up on here. So today I just want to say I miss you Grandma Kay.

 I miss your stuffed artichokes and meatballs. I miss your practical jokes and making me laugh. I miss the way you thought everything was a conspiracy: “I swear Jewel and Dominick's get together and put the same stuff on sale each week!”  

I miss your flowers and the way you kept the house so spotless. I miss the way you pretended to hate the dogs but then would secretly feed them ice cream in private. I miss the way you always said, “oh c’mon!” every time we would tease you. 

I miss the way you would yell at the Cubs players on TV even though I’m pretty sure you knew nothing about baseball. I miss you stopping to talk to EVERYONE in the store. I miss going to Caputos with you and listening to you speak Italian with the butcher. 

I miss your giving spirit. I miss how much you cared about our family.  

I miss you.  I love you.