The Dirty "I" Word: Dealing with Infertility.

So I’ve never wanted to have kids. Never had the desire to be pregnant. Always sounded completely miserable to me. At 8 years old I stated, “why would I bring more kids into the world when there are already so many children that don’t have homes”. 16 years later and still I stick by my 8 year old logic. I really have always struggled with why people felt the need to birth children. It was just ridiculous to me. What was the difference between biological children and adopted children? In my mind, nothing really, if you went into it with the same mindset.

 When I was about 10 I made comment to a lady from our church about an adopted friend’s “real” mom. The women gently corrected me, “Biological mom. His adopted mom is his ‘real’ mom”. That always stuck with me. Just because your child didn’t grow in your body doesn’t mean it not your real child. So I never understood many of friends’ desires to get pregnant. That is, until I was told that getting pregnant wouldn’t be an option for me.

If you asked me in college (just three short years ago) if I’d be blogging about infertility I would’ve said you were crazy, “Why would I blog about that – who cares? I certainly wouldn’t care if I was infertile”. It’s funny how your perspective changes when it’s you.

Since this blog is about my journey with Christ and how he is redeeming my life one piece at a time, I figured I’d share this part of my journey. It probably won’t look like most conversations about infertility but if nothing else, hopefully, it points someone back to the Lord.

So like I said, I never felt the need for biological children. I told Zack this shortly after we started dating, so he knew from the beginning. It was hard for him because he had always dreamed of having his own family. I pointed out that I wasn’t at all against having a family just as long as they didn’t come from my stomach. In the years that followed, leading up to our marriage, I agreed to try to have at least one biological child to satisfy Zack’s lifelong dream of experiencing the “joy” of pregnancy. I agreed because even though it seemed pointless to me, it was important to Zack and I loved him. However, I made one thing very clear: I wasn’t even sure if I could have kids. Zack understood this, but said he still wanted to try and for once, I didn’t argue.

Years of health issues and family history of infertility gave me a clue that maybe God would let me off the hook and I wouldn’t even after worry about holding up my end of the bargain with Zack. And a year ago, we got the confirmation:  “being pregnant isn’t going to happen for you unless you want to try this test, this pill, this shot, this blood test, this surgery”.  Our response: “Nope. Thanks a lot but, no”.  I walked out of that doctors office pretty unmoved as I always had a hunch this would be case, but it’s funny how much you start to want something after you’ve been told “no”.

And then all of sudden, everyone and I mean EVERYone around me was pregnant. People from work, school, church, and even in my family, were getting pregnant and having babies. And then it hit: I would never get to have that. I would never know what it felt like to feel my baby move inside of me, or the excitement of seeing my mom’s face when I told her I was pregnant, never get those adorable maternity pictures, or have people tell me, “she looks just like you!”

I know that God could change our situation in a heartbeat. But I don’t think he will. And I’ll tell you why. I truly believe that God had been prepping me for this moment my whole life. In his grace, he never gave me the desire to have biological children but gave me a heart for orphans and foster kids. He never let me feel the intense desire to long for something that could never be. We have many trials in this life, and I’ve had my fair share.  However, I do believe that for whatever reason, God spared me the horrendous pain that many women feel when they are told they will never be pregnant.

But there is catch. I do feel pain now. I never expected I would. But it’s been hard. Harder than I would’ve ever imagine. I’ve had to check my heart as I’ve struggled with jealously and bitterness as I’ve watched the pregnant women around me dance with joy. So the question I ask myself, “Why did God protect me by never giving the desire to have children but then is allowing me to feel the grief I do now?” And I think I may have figured it out. There are two answers: one points to my dirty, stained heart. The other, points to the Lord.

The first answer:

I’m a dirty, flawed sinner. I’ve had to check my heart throughout this whole process and I’ve realized something, and it isn’t pleasant. In our society, we give a lot of preference to pregnant women. Pregnant women get carte blanche to do whatever they want and people just gush over them day and night. Maybe I just want that. Maybe I’m jealous that I won’t get a closer parking spot because of the tiny human inside me. Maybe I pissed that I won’t ever get to wake Zack up in the middle of the night and demand chunky peanut butter and egg rolls! Maybe part of me is just bitter that everything won’t be about me for 9 months! “Everyone else gets their moment in the spotlight and what about me?” Me. Me. Me. Me.

What horrible things to write about yourself and know that they are true. Nonetheless, I’ve got to be honest with you and these are the things I’ve realized about myself. I’ve taken something that many women find extremely painful and made it about me. However, the point of this whole blog is to point people to Christ and, I hope, by demonstrating how imperfect I am, I hope you can see how perfect He is. This leads me to the second answer.

Compassion. Empathy. Understanding. While I’ll never know the full pain of infertility because I haven’t longed for it my whole life or built my dreams around having biological children. I do know the sting of watching my friends get pregnant and experience the miracle of birth and know I will never have that.  I was always callous to the plight of women who struggled with infertility because in my mind “there were plenty of kids in the world who need homes! Who needs to bring more into the world?” Now, my response is a little different: “I’m so sorry things haven’t work out the way you always hoped and dreamed but there is hope to build a family. A family built around a child who otherwise wouldn’t have a family.” My tone has changed for condescending to compassionate. From frustrated to patient.  From ignorant to understanding.

This is why I believe God has allowed me to experience all of this and is why I share it with you now. I believe God is once again revealing to me my own sinful nature and therefore my dependence on him. But he's also prepping me to effectively minister to the women struggling with this issue, that he may bring into my life. Once again, God is redeeming all parts of my life so that I can, hopefully, look a little bit more like him. 

So to my friends whom God has blessed with beautiful children and fertile bodies: please don’t ever be afraid to share with me the joys of your pregnancy! I want to hear about your life! And I want to engage in your joy! But please remember that not all women who struggle with infertility feel the same so practice compassion and discretion as you interact with these women.

And to my friends who have been told that its just not in the cards for you: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that for the first 23 years of my life, I treated you with contempt and frustration. I realize that for many women, this being pregnant is something they’ve dreamed of their whole lives and their world is crashing in around them. I realize now how difficult it is. I’ve felt the pain of watching the people in my life rejoice over something I know I will never experience. Even for someone, who never dreamed of being pregnant, it’s a difficult place to be.

 So my dear friends, grieve. And grieve well. But then remember that God did not give us a spirit of self-pity and indulgence. There is hope for you to have a family! Out there is a child who is waiting for you. You can have the special privilege of giving a child love and home that they would may not otherwise have. Please never minimize how significant this is.

I also wanted to write all this so that people knew where we are at. After almost three years of marriage, I’ve gotten used to the “when are you going to get pregnant” question. So here’s my answer, once and for all: Probably never. But it’s ok. Because God’s got bigger things in store for us and we are so excited to start this next chapter of our journey.

Zack and I have decided to adopt through the foster care system. As we are still care-taking my grandpa, we probably won’t start on our  foster care license until we have our own house. Our plan is to purchase a house within the next two years and then work on getting licensed. We are hesitant to get licensed now in the state of IL since our plans are to move right over the border into WI. But who knows?! This is going to be a long trip and one that probably won’t even begin for a few years but we are so thankful for the time God has given us now and all of the wonderful people supporting us through this.

And dear friend, please don’t feel like you can’t talk to us about this. Just as we want to share in your joys and sorrows, we invite you to join in ours. If you have questions, comments, or concerns; please feel free to let us know!

Beyond the Bunny?

Beyond the Bunny?

I keep seeing this title as I look for Christ centered Easter ideas. This is the first year I’ll be hosting Resurrection Sunday dinner so it’s a whole new thing for me. Here’s the problem: I hate Easter in America. I wasn't raised on the bunny, eggs, baskets, or hollow rolls. Easter was simply a celebration of Christ’s triumphant resurrection and victory over sin and death. We had church, maybe some ham, and then a day of reflecting on how much our Savior loves us. That’s just the way it was.

When I got to college I remember as suite activity we dyed Easter eggs and I was faced with the decision if I was going to participate. On the one hand it felt worldly and wrong to reduce the suffering

and resurrection of my Savior to colored eggs and fluffy bunnies. On the other hand, I was surrounded by godly women who were joyfully participating and I didn’t want to seem legalistic. So I joined along. But it didn’t sit well with me. And it still doesn’t.

Fast forward 5 years. I regret now how I handled the situation. I regret not speaking my feelings in truth and love versus the judgmental and self-righteous words I spoke (because there were those before I hypocritically joined along). I also regret that I didn’t stand by my convictions but rather gave in to what I saw other Christians doing and assumed that therefore it was right even though the Spirit inside me said otherwise.

The Lord has been teaching me humility pretty much my whole life but the past few months he’s opened my eyes to it a new way. First, that we all fail. Even my godliest role models who point me to Christ are no substitution for Christ himself because they are flawed. And second, who am I to judge anyone because like them I am also deeply flawed.

The past several years have been years of the Lord changing my definition of what it means to follow him. He has been faithful in showing me how we have made of a mess of His Gospel and turned into our own. With this has come a critical and discerning heart towards the American church.

However, as with all things (I’m never one to do things half way), I may have gone a little overboard. In my righteous zeal I found a very unrighteous judgment of the church. I had been in the church my whole life – looking out at the world and judging them. The Lord in his grace showed my how destructive that outlook had been but without even realizing it I turned that judgment back onto the Church.  In recent months, God has opened my eyes to this as well. He reminded me that He has loved His Church even if they make mistakes just as he loves me through my mistakes. Therefore, I need to extend grace to His people because a) he extends grace to me and b) I’m not the ultimate authority of what God thinks or desires and therefore I might just be wrong.

If I could go back my that first Easter in college I would've  done it very differently. I would’ve politely declined and resisted the peer-pressure that “it’s not that big of a deal” and “stop being so legalistic”. I would have gently stated that I felt that if I were to partake it would cheapen the Easter experience for me and ask to be allowed to own that conviction. I would have let my dear friends know that their decision to partake was between them and God and no way involved me. I would have stayed and laughed with them and rested in the joy of being with good friends. I would have prayed that God would be glorified in their decision to  dye of eggs and my decision to refrain from doing so.

So heading into this Resurrection Sunday, I was discouraged to find that all of these “Beyond the Bunny” activities were no more than just a slapping of a Bible verse on an American custom with really very little to do with Christ’s awesome work on the cross. I was ready to write a blog about how upsetting it is to me that this is the state of the American church when  the Lord reminded me of the above sentiments. So I will conclude with this. I hope that your Easter, whatever traditions you choose to partake in, the bunny, egg hunt, or hollow rolls, I hope your Easter ultimately is about Christ and what he has done for us.

I’m reminded by Paul’s words “whatever you do, whether you eat or drink do it for the Lord’. Paul was talking about to group of Christians who were arguing about whether or not it was more godly to or not to decorate Easter eggs. Well not really, but it was something equally as silly (it wasn’t silly to them of course) but Paul gently points out that the point of everything we do is to glorify Christ and really that’s all that matters. Are our actions bringing the focus back to Jesus?  Who am I to say that dying eggs doesn’t help bring Glory to Christ. In my own life, I know that would cheapen the experience. But it may be different, in your case. Maybe this is a good time for your to witness to your unbelieving neighbors, maybe it gives you a special time to bond with your kids bringing them joy, who knows?

So however you decide to celebrate this Easter, may your eyes be fixed on Him. And whether you dye eggs or not, may Christ be glorified.

“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ out Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”

HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED! 

Great is Thy Faithfulness

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases

His mercies never come to an end;

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness! 

There has been so much going on that I wish I could write about. So much I want to share with you. So much I want to leave my heart and enter the written world. So much that needs to be said, yet here I am with little time and little energy. But I’m here.

I’m leaving my world.  I’m leaving behind the world of yoga pants and restraints. The world of swearing teens and overnights. The world of direct care.

And I’m entering a new world. One of dress pants and paper work. One of phone calls and emails. One of forms, and signtures, and desks, and phone calls, and emails, and more forms, and meeting (lots and lots of meetings). The world of case work.

I’m excited. And sad. I’m starting my dream job but leaving my other one behind. But mostly I’m excited.

I’ve wanted to be case worker in the foster care system since before I even knew it was a job. I didn’t know what it was called but I knew that I wanted to work with kids in the foster care system. I knew it when I was 9 years old.

Sure, when you’re a kid you’ve got lots of things you want to do “when you grow up”. I wanted to be a doctor, a veterinarian, a teacher, a dentist, and a cop.  But I always had a longing in my heart for foster kids. I don’t know why. I didn’t really know any foster kids. I wasn’t a foster kid. Heck, I was just a kid myself. Yet, I knew from the young age of 9 that I wanted to adopt and I wanted something to do with foster care.

Of course at 9, I had no idea what that meant. I’m not sure if I even knew the word “foster care” or “foster kid”. But that desire was there. And I know who put it there. I realize how blessed I have been to have had a clear direction my whole life of what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know the details but somehow I always knew I was supposed to work with these kids.

Fast-forward 12 years.

Enter Allendale. I was 21, not even graduated from college and I had an interview with a home for kids with substance abuse issues. Or so I thought. I show up at my interview the day after my last final and find out Allendale isn’t for kids with substance abuse issues. Guess what it’s for. Yup, foster kids. The worst of the worst of those in the system. And I fell in love. I fell in love with my clients and I knew this was what I was meant to do. These were my kids, my people. I knew I was home.

A year passes. It’s not home anymore. It’s “Allenjail”. My kids are horrible, my co-workers are burnt out, and our administration is indifferent and callous to our growing safety concerns as they send us increasingly violent girls. And I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m tired. So I cry out to the Lord.

I ask him to take me out of this situation. I want to see my husband. I want my weekends back. I’m sick of getting bit, and punched, and spit at by 16 year old girls. So I pray. And pray. And pray.

And though it all I hear “stay. Stay. Stay.” So I’d agree for a few weeks and then I’d ask again, “please take me somewhere else. Anywhere else.”  My friends agreed with. My mom agreed with. My husband agreed with me. “You need to get out of Allendale”,  they’d all say. and so again I prayed.

This time I heard, “you are the light in the darkness. A city on a hill. Salt to a dying world”. So once again I obeyed. A month goes by and I’m at it again. I cry, “I’m done! I’m done!” and this time I didn't hear a voice. I got excited! “This is my chance! My time to leave has come!”

But sometimes God’s voice comes in different ways. This time it sounded a lot like my dad. He cautiously mentions to me, “so did you not hear Him or are you choosing to disobey?” Thanks dad. Thanks a lot. I thought I was in the clear. Good to go. Finally free of Allendale.

So I prayed. “Lord, did I misunderstand or am I trying to disobey?” And I tried to convince myself I misunderstood. But I knew I hadn't. I knew he told me to stay. So I did.

“But why Lord?” I cried. I was so unhappy. Didn't God want me to happy? That’s what I had always been told. So why was he telling me to stay. And then I heard him again. “My child, my goal for your life is not for you to be happy….” “But, but ,but,” I stammered. “My goal is for you to look a little bit more like me”, he replied.

And so I stayed. I obeyed. And guess what? I wasn't happy. But I was given joy. I was given the strength to do my job and do it well. I was given clarity to see the small victories.  But overall, I had joy because I knew I was within the will of God. And that is the best place to be.

All through the summer, I wrestled with the Lord. And I finally fell content. Not happy but content with where God had placed me. And then out of nowhere. He showed me something. A position posting. A position I had no chance of even getting an interview for. I wasn't licensed like the position demanded. I didn't have a master live everyone else. Yet, I applied. On a pipe dream, that maybe just maybe it was my time to go.

And then I got interview. I had no hope after the interview. It was 45 minutes long (not nearly as long as most of the upper level position interviews I had been too). They didn't seem impressed. Besides I still didn't have a license. And I still didn't have my masters.

And yet, by God’s perfect design, I got the job. I landed my dream job at the age of 23. What a blessing! Yet, would have I recognized the blessing if I hadn't just been through the previous 12 months? Those months of arguing with God. The tension of wanting to leave but being called to stay. The struggle of learning that my ultimate goal in life should not to be happy but to look like Christ. The moment of learning to rest in God and his will. All those experiences led me here.

If I had disobeyed and left when I wanted, I would not be here; sitting in my new office. I would've missed what God had in store for me. I would never have seen the posting or had the chance to apply if I had listened to my flesh. But God knew. He always knows. He wants me here at Allendale. He had a plan and he has a plan for the future. Why do I always forget? Why do I always want to do it my way when time after time I’m reminded that his way is better?

God has proven himself faithful to me yet one more time. After months of doubting him, he proved himself yet again.

I don’ t know where you are right now. Maybe you are in the stage of “staying”. Maybe God has you in a place you want to be far from. Maybe he has you right where you want to be. It doesn't matter though, because he is in control. Whether it feels that way or not. As long as you are walking in obedience, God has the situation exactly the way he wants it. And he will prove himself to be faithful to you just as he did me. It might look different. And it won’t be on your terms – I can guarantee that. But he will prove himself.

 My period of “staying” was about a year. For you it might be longer. Maybe less. I know it’s hard to be in that place, though. Wondering when God will demonstrate him faithfulness. Wondering when he will rescue you. But the one thing I've learned is even when I’m waiting and staying – He is still faithful. Even if I were to wait for 100 years – he is still faithful! He never left my side. He shaped me more into the woman he wanted me to be, looking a little more like him. He was always faithful. Even when I couldn't see it - he was faithful. 

I know many of you have heard this lyric before and it’s been my favorite for years but it always seems to ring true.  It's as if Sara reached into my soul and wrote the words that are my heart:

I can’t remember a trial or a pain 

He did not recycle to bring me gain 

I can’t remember one single regret 

In serving God only, and trusting His hand 

All I have need of, His hand will provide 

He’s always been faithful to me. 

My Better Half

So let me start off by saying that I apologize if I ever come across as self-righteous or condescending in my blogs. Please know that it is not my intent. I do tend to get carried away and sometimes in my zeal and passion end up coming across as a jerk, so I apologize.

Secondly, I have had so many great ideas for posts but just couldn’t get the words right so maybe one day I’ll finish and post the many half written posts saved on my computer.

Thirdly, I had a really great topic I wanted to write about but since Tuesday is our anniversary I thought my other half, my best friend, my love, my Zack, deserved a little attention.

So on June 25 Zack and I will have been together for five years. FIVE years! And married for TWO! We had the special privileged of being married on the same day we started dating three years previously.

For those who have known us for a while, know that Zack and I’s journey has not always been easy especially in the beginning but I always knew that Zack was a part of God’s plan for my life.

Marriage itself is not easy and I know for some people it’s not that bad. But poor Zack he had the misfortune of marrying a fiercely independent woman who is still trying to figure out what it means to be “one”.

Zack is seriously my better half. I know it’s cheesy but it’s so true. Sure, he’s not perfect but I give him a run for his money and he is so patient with me (way more patient that I would be with me)!

I am headstrong.  Independent. Stubborn. Proud. Opinionated. And while many of these things can be positive characteristics if left unchecked can run amuck and turn me into an unpleasant person to be around – especially when combined.

Zack is the one who keeps me in check. He’s the one who calls me out on my crap and then endures my wrath as I get defensive for being called out. He is so patient with me and he always, always listens to my endless ramblings.

I used see myself as the strong one the one who kept us on track but I am beginning to realize that often Zack is the one who does.  Maybe not in the way that I’m used to but considering he’s the only person who truly see’s my soul and can confront me on the icky stuff in it, I think I’d be lost without him.

Being married forces you to look at your crap. You can’t hide it the way you hide it from the world. Zack and I have the unique ability to be able to push each to be more and more a man/woman after God’s own heart as we look into one another’s soul and lovingly confront and care for each other.

Marriage is partnership and there are often times when I am the strong ones but other times he is. We’ve learned that in order to be good team you have to be willing to step up when the other is faltering and also be willing to rest on the other when you just can’t carry on. Zack and I have that. And that truly blesses me. I love that I know I can trust him to carry me and that I can be a blessing to him and carry him in turn.

 

Recently I’ve had several conversations about marriage with people who are skeptical about the institution of marriage. And in light of today’s culture and perception of marriage, I don’t blame them. However,  Zack and I have a different idea of what marriage is. Marriage is a lot of things but ultimately it’s a representation of Christ and his Church. We are to be an example, a light, to the world of how much the Lord loves his people.  He commands Zack and I to love one another as Christ has loved the Church.

My prayer to the Lord when Zack and I first got together was that together we could bring more glory to Him than either one of us could bring alone. This is still my prayer and I believe the Lord has honored it. We aren’t perfect and we still have many challenges before us, I am sure, but God has been so faithful to us in our marriage. We often forget to put Him at the center and struggle every day to do so yet he remains faithful by giving us grace to carry one and to allow us to continue to help shape each other into the people He wants us to be.

Our marriage is not perfect because we are not perfect but I do believe we bring God honor in three ways. 1) By being example to the world of commitment and God’s plan for marriage 2) and example of God’s love for his people and 3) to encourage and challenge one another to be more like Christ.

So all this to say, I am so very thankful for Zack and for the Lord bringing him into my life all those years ago. Not just because I have a built in best friend who always there for me but because together we are becoming more like our creator and living for him. I am so excited to see where he is going to take us in the next year and the years to come. 

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers from Wendys remind of my mom. And how much she loves me. Everytime I eat one, I'm brought back to my childhood and special times with my mom.

Because my parents were doemstic missionaires when I was kid (and still are) money was always a bit tight. We lived a frugal life but as a kid I never really seemed to notice. Eating out was a rare occasion and therefore a special one.

Living in rural New Hampshire made things like trips to walmart and the grocery store a lengthy experience.  For us our weekly shopping trip to Concord was an all day experience. My mom would pile my brother and I into the car in the morning and hopefully we'd make back in time to start dinner for my dad.

On these all-day excursions, we would naturally get hungry. In our younger days my mom would just pack snacks for us but when we were a little older fast food restaruants launched the dollar menu. Thus the Wendy trips began.

My mom would drive up to Wendys in the middle of long shopping day and allow us to order two things off the dollar menu and if we were really lucky, three things. And most always it was a Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger and a smally fry. And maybe a frosty if it was a really special day.

As a kid I never really recognized the sacrfices my parents made for my brother and I, but as I look on those days of the Jr.Bacon Cheeseburger I'm reminded about how excited my mom was to be able to provide those cheeseburgers for us. It brought her joy to give us that special treat. Becuase she loved us and wanted to bless us. And that memory blesses me (see my previous entry for my definition of blessed).

Her joy in providing us a special treat reminds me of our Lord. The Bible says that he delights in us - his children (Zephaniah 3:17). He loves to bless us - to give us "Jr.Bacon Cheeseburgers".

So everytime I see a Jr.Bacon Cheesburger I remember my mom. and her sacrifces. and her love. And in return I'm reminded of the Lord and how he longs to bless me. 

So thanks mom, for being an example of Christ's love to me even as a kid when I didn't always recognize it. 

Thanks for Jr.Bacon Cheesburgers.

On the road to become truly blessed.

This will be a quick post as I am off to work but I really felt the need to post ASAP, so forgive me if my writing is weaker than normal.

The bloodshed behind our cheap clothes" 
http://www.cnn.com/2013/05/02/opinion/akter-bangladesh/index.html

That is the headline regarding the most recent factory malfunction in Bangladesh. For most people they don't want to think about where our clothes and shoes and tennis rackets and plastic ware come from. They just walk into target and complain about prices and taxes and buy it. 

We are beyond spoiled. The fact that we can walk into Walmart or Target and just buy what we need is amazing but then to think about how did that product come to us. It's a harsh reality that much of our "stuff" is made by human beings working under oppressive conditions with little compensation. 

The Lord has been softening my heart to this for many years but recently he really has challenged Zack and I to put our faith into works. We made the commitment about a month ago to start living a more simple lifestyle but to also stop purchasing goods that are not made through fair trade or in America. 

I LOVE to shop. Always have. But my love for shopping is not nearly as important as humans lives in countries like Bangladesh, Indonesia, and China.

See, as a Christian, I believe we will ALL stand before God. And I believe that God will ask American Christians about the spending and purchasing habits. And I don't think ignorance (which I hardly doubt you can claim with such renowned media sources like CNN) is going to cut. it. And in fact, I know it's not.

Read Matthew 25. Jesus says to all the good religious people (yeah, those people who sit in church every Sunday and don't swear and don't drink or have sex before marriage and maybe even read their Bible - those good religious people) "DEPART FROM ME, you who are cursed" That's right! Jesus said that to the good Christians! Why? Because they did not care for the least of these. They didn't care for the homeless in their town, the abused children in their neighborhood, the people working in sweatshops in Bangladesh  I'm not going to lie - that describes many of the good Christians I know and even myself at times - yikes! If that's not convicting - I don't know what is! 

As Americans we need to start to realize that our "stuff" was made a great price to someone else. And we need to do something about it. Zack and I have started to support local business and organizations that make products fairly and in sustainable ways. Yes, its expensive. Much more expensive than buying at Target (I stopped shopping at walmart almost 3 years ago because of their inhumane practices oversea and their issues with gender equality in the states). Because things are more expensive it also means we have to live more simply, which as Christians, I think we are called to do anyway. 

In our American Churches we often hear the American Dream preached right alongside the Gospel. Somehow, I don't think God is very please with that. In fact the American Dream has turned into something EXTREMELY anti-biblical and not godly at all.

So Zack and I have started to walk away from that dream and God has given us a new way to live life. We like to call it Kingdom Minded. All that we do, we do it for God's kingdom and the advancement of Christ. This includes how we spend our money and the things we support with our time. 

If there is one thing that God taught me during my time in India it was the meaning of the word blessed. I had always read the beatitudes in Matthew 5 with a sort of puzzlement. "Blessed are those who mourn? Blessed are the poor? Blessed are broken? What?" But I began to realize that the way we used the bless in American Christian culture is so opposite of God's definition of being blessed. 

We use the word blessed to mean "something I like has happened to me". I'm blessed to have a new car. I'm blessed to have healthy children. I'm blessed our house didn't get hit by flooding (I even had to catch myself saying that last month with all of the flooding by us).

But see God's definition of blessed is different. His definition is himself. We are blessed when we are with God. God is the only true blessing. So when we are broken, we can see God more clearly - we are blessed. When we are "pure in heart" we see God - we are blessed. When we are poor we don't have "stuff" that clutters our hearts and minds that blocks our view of God (I saw this so clearly in India amidst the poverty there) and when we can hear him and see him - we are blessed. 

This is the mission Zack and I are on. To become truly blessed - to see and be with God. And we believe to do this we must get rid of things that blocks are view of him (for use that means getting rid of our need for "stuff") but it also means treating people, whether we know them or not, with dignity and humanely. 

So this is where we are at. A new chapter in our lives. A total lifestyle change. And even though this lifestyle adjustment is hard, ya know what? We are really excited about it! And we can't wait to see what God is going to do in our lives and through us! 

As an advocate at heart, I really hope that this has sparked something inside of you and maybe are one step closer to a lifestyle change yourself. Please let us know if you have questions as we would love to take this journey with you!

I've listed some websites and organizations we have found helpful in this journey below. 

http://www.ijm.org

http://tradeasone.com

http://www.amazon.com/Interrupted-Adventure-Relearning-Essentials-Faith/dp/1600062172

http://movement121.com/

Terrible Nights

“My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she called “love” but when I look into my nephew’s eyes. Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights”

This is one of the final lines to Some Nights by the artist “Fun” and every time I hear it I can’t help but think about how much truth there is in this line. The artist correctly recognizes that sometimes something beautiful can come out of something evil. It reminds me of Genesis 50:20 that says, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

God has the power to redeem not only people but situations for his glory. I have seen this in my own life and with this introduction I’d like to tell you part of my story that illustrates this concept.

I was raised in a Christian homes by parents who were employed in full-time ministry. And even more than that we lived in community with the people they served and served with. My whole life revolved around this ministry and to an end: God.

I was “saved” at the early age of 5. I remember saying the “sinners prayer” with my mom in our living room right before Christmas. However, I also remember doing it just so I could tell my Sunday school teacher I had done and wipe that smug little grin off a peer who was the only one to raise his hand the week before when our teacher asked us who had accepted Jesus in their hearts. So even from the beginning of my faith, it was flawed.

As I grew, I really do remember loving God. But as I reached adolescence God seemed more and more of an abstract idea and maybe something that only adults really did. “I mean, I’m 11 years old who really cares about living for God? I got my whole adult life to do that!”

Into my teen years I struggled with my relationship with God. He seemed so distant and the things of the Bible so abstract and irrelevant to my life. As stormy times came I called out to God as it seemed the thing to do and while I painted a nice picture to people about what God was “teaching me”, I honestly never really felt like he was there or cared.

However, my story doesn’t get good until I was 15. 2005, probably the worst year of my life to date. This is where my story really starts. I won’t bore you with long details but in short my life fell apart. The ministry my parents went through some very dark days which resulted in many brothers and sisters in Christ treating one another in very un-christlike ways.

 I remember looking out over the campus (affectionately known as “the hill”) and thinking to myself, “God has surely removed his presence from this place.” A place that was once known as a place of great healing was now known as a place of pain and destruction in my eyes. I walked around a shell of the person I used to be. Anger and sadness were now the only two emotions I was acquainted with.

During this time I did what I thought was best and painted a happy face and tried to carry on as life as usual. Battling addictions, anger, depression, and unforgivness in my heart I paraded around my church as the only thing I knew who to be: a good little Christian girl. And as I paraded around the church and the ministry with the face painted on I began to notice a common sentiment: God’s will. Whenever people talked about the things going on at The Hill, people would sigh and then say, “Well it’s all a part of God’s will” or “We just got to keep trusting in God’s will” or “Sometimes God’s will is hard to understand.” The list could go on and on. But you know, you’ve heard these phrases before.

For months I walked around with these phrases echoing in my mind and heart and they only served to provide one end: hatred. I hated God. And when I say I hated God I don’t mean I just didn’t like him. I would sit in church and hurl insults at Him in my heart. I would look at the naive people around me worshipping and think, "Look at these stupid people. They don't realize how horrible this God really is." I HATED him. I hated a God who would cause so much pain in the lives of people I loved. I hated a God who willed his people to act so uncharitable to one another. I hated this God who didn’t even answer me when I called out to him in pain.

 Now, my story in full is very long but telling the whole thing here is not my goal so I will skip forward about a year after the Lord intervened and redeemed me. He melted the anger away in my heart and gave me joy like I never experienced before. He also sent his Spirit which allowed me to interpret his Word for the first time. I was finally growing in him and hearing His voice!

It was during this time of growth that I began to realize something: I had been lied to. All those people prattling on about “God’s will this” and “God’s will that” were obviously regurgitating Christian clichés and not the true truth of God. Yes, I do believe in God’s will and believe that sometimes that includes enduring hardship and even pain, but one thing I concluded through my journey is it is never, ever, God’s will for his people to sin or hurt one another in malice. Not ever.

I believe God allows people to sin and hurt one another but I do not believe it is a part of his “will”. In fact I believe his will is quite opposite. Romans 12:8 says “As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” 1John says “Let us love one another!” I could list verse after verse that commands us to love one another. In fact, other than loving God (which is the greatest commandment), the main thing Christ wants us to get is that we need to love one another! So tell my why would a God who commands us over and over again to love would then will his people to hurt one another. Sounds fishy to me.

So now I’ll tell you what this all has to do with Fun’s Some Nights lyrics. This song ends with the image of something beautiful coming from a horrid situation and so does my story. The point is that while God did not will all the pain and sin that affected me so deeply in my early teen years, he did allow it and he did redeem the situation for himself. I don’t specifically know how he redeemed it the lives of others, but I’m sure he did and he certainly did in my life.

When I look back over the story of my walk with the Lord, I often wonder where I would be if I had not walked through that valley. For me God used that dark place to make known how real his love really was and also his power as he worked to melt my harden heart (because I certainly didn’t do it!). This is why I rejoice every time I hear the line, “Man, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible nights” because it reminds me of the amazing things God did for me during my terrible nights.

So this week I challenge you to think about your “terrible nights” and how God has redeemed them. Maybe you’re in the middle of a "terrible night" right now and you can’t even imagine how God will bring anything good out of it. Keep on trusting and keep on seeking his face. It’s still going to be hard, because life is hard. But hold on the promise that He “is making all things new” (Revelation 21:5) and he has the power to redeem any situation for your good and ultimately His Glory.

As normal, if you have questions, comments, challenges on my theology, you can leave a comment or email me here.

This is a video featuring "Something Beautiful" by Jars of Clay.

This song took on deep meaning for me during my teen years once

 I realized that God (and God alone) was making me into something beautful.

I'm not totally sure what the video has to do with the song but take a

 minute and listen to the lyrics:

 

"So close my eyes and hold my heart.

Cover me and make me something.

 Change this something normal into something beautiful."