So I’ve never wanted to have kids. Never had the desire to be pregnant. Always sounded completely miserable to me. At 8 years old I stated, “why would I bring more kids into the world when there are already so many children that don’t have homes”. 16 years later and still I stick by my 8 year old logic. I really have always struggled with why people felt the need to birth children. It was just ridiculous to me. What was the difference between biological children and adopted children? In my mind, nothing really, if you went into it with the same mindset.
When I was about 10 I made comment to a lady
from our church about an adopted friend’s “real” mom. The women gently
corrected me, “Biological mom. His adopted mom is his ‘real’ mom”. That always
stuck with me. Just because your child didn’t grow in your body doesn’t mean it
not your real child. So I never understood many of friends’ desires to get
pregnant. That is, until I was told that getting pregnant wouldn’t be an option
for me.
If
you asked me in college (just three short years ago) if I’d be blogging about
infertility I would’ve said you were crazy, “Why would I blog about that – who
cares? I certainly wouldn’t care if I was infertile”. It’s funny how your
perspective changes when it’s you.
Since
this blog is about my journey with Christ and how he is redeeming my life one
piece at a time, I figured I’d share this part of my journey. It probably won’t
look like most conversations about infertility but if nothing else, hopefully,
it points someone back to the Lord.
So
like I said, I never felt the need for biological children. I told Zack this
shortly after we started dating, so he knew from the beginning. It was hard for
him because he had always dreamed of having his own family. I pointed out that
I wasn’t at all against having a family just as long as they didn’t come from
my stomach. In the years that followed, leading up to our marriage, I agreed to
try to have at least one biological child to satisfy Zack’s lifelong dream of experiencing
the “joy” of pregnancy. I agreed because even though it seemed pointless to me,
it was important to Zack and I loved him. However, I made one thing very clear:
I wasn’t even sure if I could have kids. Zack understood this, but said he
still wanted to try and for once, I didn’t argue.
Years
of health issues and family history of infertility gave me a clue that maybe
God would let me off the hook and I wouldn’t even after worry about holding up
my end of the bargain with Zack. And a year ago, we got the confirmation: “being pregnant isn’t going to happen for you
unless you want to try this test, this pill, this shot, this blood test, this
surgery”. Our response: “Nope. Thanks a
lot but, no”. I walked out of that
doctors office pretty unmoved as I always had a hunch this would be case, but
it’s funny how much you start to want something after you’ve been told “no”.
And
then all of sudden, everyone and I mean EVERYone around me was pregnant. People
from work, school, church, and even in my family, were getting pregnant and having
babies. And then it hit: I would never get to have that. I would never know
what it felt like to feel my baby move inside of me, or the excitement of
seeing my mom’s face when I told her I was pregnant, never get those adorable
maternity pictures, or have people tell me, “she looks just like you!”
I
know that God could change our situation in a heartbeat. But I don’t think he
will. And I’ll tell you why. I truly believe that God had been prepping me for
this moment my whole life. In his grace, he never gave me the desire to have
biological children but gave me a heart for orphans and foster kids. He never
let me feel the intense desire to long for something that could never be. We
have many trials in this life, and I’ve had my fair share. However, I do believe that for whatever reason,
God spared me the horrendous pain that many women feel when they are told they
will never be pregnant.
But
there is catch. I do feel pain now. I never expected I would. But it’s been
hard. Harder than I would’ve ever imagine. I’ve had to check my heart as I’ve
struggled with jealously and bitterness as I’ve watched the pregnant women
around me dance with joy. So the question I ask myself, “Why did God protect me
by never giving the desire to have children but then is allowing me to feel the
grief I do now?” And I think I may have figured it out. There are two answers:
one points to my dirty, stained heart. The other, points to the Lord.
The
first answer:
I’m
a dirty, flawed sinner. I’ve had to check my heart throughout this whole
process and I’ve realized something, and it isn’t pleasant. In our society, we
give a lot of preference to pregnant women. Pregnant women get carte blanche to
do whatever they want and people just gush over them day and night. Maybe I just
want that. Maybe I’m jealous that I won’t get a closer parking spot because of the
tiny human inside me. Maybe I pissed that I won’t ever get to wake Zack up in
the middle of the night and demand
chunky peanut butter and egg rolls! Maybe
part of me is just bitter that everything won’t be about me for 9 months! “Everyone
else gets their moment in the spotlight and what about me?” Me. Me. Me. Me.
What
horrible things to write about yourself and know that they are true.
Nonetheless, I’ve got to be honest with you and these are the things I’ve
realized about myself. I’ve taken something that many women find extremely
painful and made it about me. However, the point of this whole blog is to point
people to Christ and, I hope, by demonstrating how imperfect I am, I hope you
can see how perfect He is. This leads me to the second answer.
Compassion.
Empathy. Understanding. While I’ll never know the full pain of infertility
because I haven’t longed for it my whole life or built my dreams around having biological
children. I do know the sting of watching my friends get pregnant and experience
the miracle of birth and know I will never have that. I was always callous to the plight of women
who struggled with infertility because in my mind “there were plenty of kids in
the world who need homes! Who needs to bring more into the world?” Now, my
response is a little different: “I’m so sorry things haven’t work out the way
you always hoped and dreamed but there is hope to build a family. A family built around a child who otherwise wouldn’t have a family.” My tone has changed for
condescending to compassionate. From frustrated to patient. From ignorant to understanding.
This
is why I believe God has allowed me to experience all of this and is why I
share it with you now. I believe God is once again revealing to me my own sinful nature and therefore my dependence on him. But he's also prepping me to effectively minister to the women struggling with this issue, that he may bring into my life. Once again, God is redeeming all parts of my life so that I can, hopefully, look a little bit more like him.
So to
my friends whom God has blessed with beautiful children and fertile bodies:
please don’t ever be afraid to share with me the joys of your pregnancy! I want
to hear about your life! And I want to engage in your joy! But please remember
that not all women who struggle with infertility feel the same so practice
compassion and discretion as you interact with these women.
And
to my friends who have been told that its just not in the cards for you: I’m
sorry. I’m sorry that for the first 23 years of my life, I treated you with
contempt and frustration. I realize that for many women, this being pregnant is something they’ve
dreamed of their whole lives and their world is crashing in around them. I realize
now how difficult it is. I’ve felt the pain of watching the people in my life
rejoice over something I know I will never experience. Even for someone, who
never dreamed of being pregnant, it’s a difficult place to be.
So my dear
friends, grieve. And grieve well. But then remember that God did not give us a
spirit of self-pity and indulgence. There is hope for you to have a family! Out
there is a child who is waiting for you. You can have the special privilege of
giving a child love and home that they would may not otherwise have. Please
never minimize how significant this is.
I
also wanted to write all this so that people knew where we are at. After almost
three years of marriage, I’ve gotten used to the “when are you going to get pregnant”
question. So here’s my answer, once and for all: Probably never. But it’s ok. Because God’s got bigger things in store for us and we are so excited to start
this next chapter of our journey.
Zack
and I have decided to adopt through the foster care system. As we are still
care-taking my grandpa, we probably won’t start on our foster care license until we have
our own house. Our plan is to purchase a house within the next two years and
then work on getting licensed. We are hesitant to get licensed now in the
state of IL since our plans are to move right over the border into WI. But who
knows?! This is going to be a long trip and one that probably won’t even begin
for a few years but we are so thankful for the time God has given us now and
all of the wonderful people supporting us through this.
And
dear friend, please don’t feel like you can’t talk to us about this. Just as we
want to share in your joys and sorrows, we invite you to join in ours. If you have questions, comments, or concerns; please feel free to let us know!
Emily... thanks for sharing from your heart. I appreciate this post of honesty and I look forward to the joy of your fostering and adoption process. :)
ReplyDelete-michal joy
beautiful, honest... thank you.
ReplyDelete