The Dirty "I" Word: Dealing with Infertility.

So I’ve never wanted to have kids. Never had the desire to be pregnant. Always sounded completely miserable to me. At 8 years old I stated, “why would I bring more kids into the world when there are already so many children that don’t have homes”. 16 years later and still I stick by my 8 year old logic. I really have always struggled with why people felt the need to birth children. It was just ridiculous to me. What was the difference between biological children and adopted children? In my mind, nothing really, if you went into it with the same mindset.

 When I was about 10 I made comment to a lady from our church about an adopted friend’s “real” mom. The women gently corrected me, “Biological mom. His adopted mom is his ‘real’ mom”. That always stuck with me. Just because your child didn’t grow in your body doesn’t mean it not your real child. So I never understood many of friends’ desires to get pregnant. That is, until I was told that getting pregnant wouldn’t be an option for me.

If you asked me in college (just three short years ago) if I’d be blogging about infertility I would’ve said you were crazy, “Why would I blog about that – who cares? I certainly wouldn’t care if I was infertile”. It’s funny how your perspective changes when it’s you.

Since this blog is about my journey with Christ and how he is redeeming my life one piece at a time, I figured I’d share this part of my journey. It probably won’t look like most conversations about infertility but if nothing else, hopefully, it points someone back to the Lord.

So like I said, I never felt the need for biological children. I told Zack this shortly after we started dating, so he knew from the beginning. It was hard for him because he had always dreamed of having his own family. I pointed out that I wasn’t at all against having a family just as long as they didn’t come from my stomach. In the years that followed, leading up to our marriage, I agreed to try to have at least one biological child to satisfy Zack’s lifelong dream of experiencing the “joy” of pregnancy. I agreed because even though it seemed pointless to me, it was important to Zack and I loved him. However, I made one thing very clear: I wasn’t even sure if I could have kids. Zack understood this, but said he still wanted to try and for once, I didn’t argue.

Years of health issues and family history of infertility gave me a clue that maybe God would let me off the hook and I wouldn’t even after worry about holding up my end of the bargain with Zack. And a year ago, we got the confirmation:  “being pregnant isn’t going to happen for you unless you want to try this test, this pill, this shot, this blood test, this surgery”.  Our response: “Nope. Thanks a lot but, no”.  I walked out of that doctors office pretty unmoved as I always had a hunch this would be case, but it’s funny how much you start to want something after you’ve been told “no”.

And then all of sudden, everyone and I mean EVERYone around me was pregnant. People from work, school, church, and even in my family, were getting pregnant and having babies. And then it hit: I would never get to have that. I would never know what it felt like to feel my baby move inside of me, or the excitement of seeing my mom’s face when I told her I was pregnant, never get those adorable maternity pictures, or have people tell me, “she looks just like you!”

I know that God could change our situation in a heartbeat. But I don’t think he will. And I’ll tell you why. I truly believe that God had been prepping me for this moment my whole life. In his grace, he never gave me the desire to have biological children but gave me a heart for orphans and foster kids. He never let me feel the intense desire to long for something that could never be. We have many trials in this life, and I’ve had my fair share.  However, I do believe that for whatever reason, God spared me the horrendous pain that many women feel when they are told they will never be pregnant.

But there is catch. I do feel pain now. I never expected I would. But it’s been hard. Harder than I would’ve ever imagine. I’ve had to check my heart as I’ve struggled with jealously and bitterness as I’ve watched the pregnant women around me dance with joy. So the question I ask myself, “Why did God protect me by never giving the desire to have children but then is allowing me to feel the grief I do now?” And I think I may have figured it out. There are two answers: one points to my dirty, stained heart. The other, points to the Lord.

The first answer:

I’m a dirty, flawed sinner. I’ve had to check my heart throughout this whole process and I’ve realized something, and it isn’t pleasant. In our society, we give a lot of preference to pregnant women. Pregnant women get carte blanche to do whatever they want and people just gush over them day and night. Maybe I just want that. Maybe I’m jealous that I won’t get a closer parking spot because of the tiny human inside me. Maybe I pissed that I won’t ever get to wake Zack up in the middle of the night and demand chunky peanut butter and egg rolls! Maybe part of me is just bitter that everything won’t be about me for 9 months! “Everyone else gets their moment in the spotlight and what about me?” Me. Me. Me. Me.

What horrible things to write about yourself and know that they are true. Nonetheless, I’ve got to be honest with you and these are the things I’ve realized about myself. I’ve taken something that many women find extremely painful and made it about me. However, the point of this whole blog is to point people to Christ and, I hope, by demonstrating how imperfect I am, I hope you can see how perfect He is. This leads me to the second answer.

Compassion. Empathy. Understanding. While I’ll never know the full pain of infertility because I haven’t longed for it my whole life or built my dreams around having biological children. I do know the sting of watching my friends get pregnant and experience the miracle of birth and know I will never have that.  I was always callous to the plight of women who struggled with infertility because in my mind “there were plenty of kids in the world who need homes! Who needs to bring more into the world?” Now, my response is a little different: “I’m so sorry things haven’t work out the way you always hoped and dreamed but there is hope to build a family. A family built around a child who otherwise wouldn’t have a family.” My tone has changed for condescending to compassionate. From frustrated to patient.  From ignorant to understanding.

This is why I believe God has allowed me to experience all of this and is why I share it with you now. I believe God is once again revealing to me my own sinful nature and therefore my dependence on him. But he's also prepping me to effectively minister to the women struggling with this issue, that he may bring into my life. Once again, God is redeeming all parts of my life so that I can, hopefully, look a little bit more like him. 

So to my friends whom God has blessed with beautiful children and fertile bodies: please don’t ever be afraid to share with me the joys of your pregnancy! I want to hear about your life! And I want to engage in your joy! But please remember that not all women who struggle with infertility feel the same so practice compassion and discretion as you interact with these women.

And to my friends who have been told that its just not in the cards for you: I’m sorry. I’m sorry that for the first 23 years of my life, I treated you with contempt and frustration. I realize that for many women, this being pregnant is something they’ve dreamed of their whole lives and their world is crashing in around them. I realize now how difficult it is. I’ve felt the pain of watching the people in my life rejoice over something I know I will never experience. Even for someone, who never dreamed of being pregnant, it’s a difficult place to be.

 So my dear friends, grieve. And grieve well. But then remember that God did not give us a spirit of self-pity and indulgence. There is hope for you to have a family! Out there is a child who is waiting for you. You can have the special privilege of giving a child love and home that they would may not otherwise have. Please never minimize how significant this is.

I also wanted to write all this so that people knew where we are at. After almost three years of marriage, I’ve gotten used to the “when are you going to get pregnant” question. So here’s my answer, once and for all: Probably never. But it’s ok. Because God’s got bigger things in store for us and we are so excited to start this next chapter of our journey.

Zack and I have decided to adopt through the foster care system. As we are still care-taking my grandpa, we probably won’t start on our  foster care license until we have our own house. Our plan is to purchase a house within the next two years and then work on getting licensed. We are hesitant to get licensed now in the state of IL since our plans are to move right over the border into WI. But who knows?! This is going to be a long trip and one that probably won’t even begin for a few years but we are so thankful for the time God has given us now and all of the wonderful people supporting us through this.

And dear friend, please don’t feel like you can’t talk to us about this. Just as we want to share in your joys and sorrows, we invite you to join in ours. If you have questions, comments, or concerns; please feel free to let us know!

Beyond the Bunny?

Beyond the Bunny?

I keep seeing this title as I look for Christ centered Easter ideas. This is the first year I’ll be hosting Resurrection Sunday dinner so it’s a whole new thing for me. Here’s the problem: I hate Easter in America. I wasn't raised on the bunny, eggs, baskets, or hollow rolls. Easter was simply a celebration of Christ’s triumphant resurrection and victory over sin and death. We had church, maybe some ham, and then a day of reflecting on how much our Savior loves us. That’s just the way it was.

When I got to college I remember as suite activity we dyed Easter eggs and I was faced with the decision if I was going to participate. On the one hand it felt worldly and wrong to reduce the suffering

and resurrection of my Savior to colored eggs and fluffy bunnies. On the other hand, I was surrounded by godly women who were joyfully participating and I didn’t want to seem legalistic. So I joined along. But it didn’t sit well with me. And it still doesn’t.

Fast forward 5 years. I regret now how I handled the situation. I regret not speaking my feelings in truth and love versus the judgmental and self-righteous words I spoke (because there were those before I hypocritically joined along). I also regret that I didn’t stand by my convictions but rather gave in to what I saw other Christians doing and assumed that therefore it was right even though the Spirit inside me said otherwise.

The Lord has been teaching me humility pretty much my whole life but the past few months he’s opened my eyes to it a new way. First, that we all fail. Even my godliest role models who point me to Christ are no substitution for Christ himself because they are flawed. And second, who am I to judge anyone because like them I am also deeply flawed.

The past several years have been years of the Lord changing my definition of what it means to follow him. He has been faithful in showing me how we have made of a mess of His Gospel and turned into our own. With this has come a critical and discerning heart towards the American church.

However, as with all things (I’m never one to do things half way), I may have gone a little overboard. In my righteous zeal I found a very unrighteous judgment of the church. I had been in the church my whole life – looking out at the world and judging them. The Lord in his grace showed my how destructive that outlook had been but without even realizing it I turned that judgment back onto the Church.  In recent months, God has opened my eyes to this as well. He reminded me that He has loved His Church even if they make mistakes just as he loves me through my mistakes. Therefore, I need to extend grace to His people because a) he extends grace to me and b) I’m not the ultimate authority of what God thinks or desires and therefore I might just be wrong.

If I could go back my that first Easter in college I would've  done it very differently. I would’ve politely declined and resisted the peer-pressure that “it’s not that big of a deal” and “stop being so legalistic”. I would have gently stated that I felt that if I were to partake it would cheapen the Easter experience for me and ask to be allowed to own that conviction. I would have let my dear friends know that their decision to partake was between them and God and no way involved me. I would have stayed and laughed with them and rested in the joy of being with good friends. I would have prayed that God would be glorified in their decision to  dye of eggs and my decision to refrain from doing so.

So heading into this Resurrection Sunday, I was discouraged to find that all of these “Beyond the Bunny” activities were no more than just a slapping of a Bible verse on an American custom with really very little to do with Christ’s awesome work on the cross. I was ready to write a blog about how upsetting it is to me that this is the state of the American church when  the Lord reminded me of the above sentiments. So I will conclude with this. I hope that your Easter, whatever traditions you choose to partake in, the bunny, egg hunt, or hollow rolls, I hope your Easter ultimately is about Christ and what he has done for us.

I’m reminded by Paul’s words “whatever you do, whether you eat or drink do it for the Lord’. Paul was talking about to group of Christians who were arguing about whether or not it was more godly to or not to decorate Easter eggs. Well not really, but it was something equally as silly (it wasn’t silly to them of course) but Paul gently points out that the point of everything we do is to glorify Christ and really that’s all that matters. Are our actions bringing the focus back to Jesus?  Who am I to say that dying eggs doesn’t help bring Glory to Christ. In my own life, I know that would cheapen the experience. But it may be different, in your case. Maybe this is a good time for your to witness to your unbelieving neighbors, maybe it gives you a special time to bond with your kids bringing them joy, who knows?

So however you decide to celebrate this Easter, may your eyes be fixed on Him. And whether you dye eggs or not, may Christ be glorified.

“Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy, to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ out Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.”

HE IS RISEN! HE IS RISEN INDEED!