But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness!
I’m leaving my world.
I’m leaving behind the world of yoga pants and restraints. The world of
swearing teens and overnights. The world of direct care.
And I’m entering a new world. One of dress pants and paper
work. One of phone calls and emails. One of forms, and signtures, and desks,
and phone calls, and emails, and more forms, and meeting (lots and lots of
meetings). The world of case work.
I’m excited. And sad. I’m starting my dream job but leaving
my other one behind. But mostly I’m excited.
I’ve wanted to be case worker in the foster care system
since before I even knew it was a job. I didn’t know what it was called but I
knew that I wanted to work with kids in the foster care system. I knew it when
I was 9 years old.
Sure, when you’re a kid you’ve got lots of things you want
to do “when you grow up”. I wanted to be a doctor, a veterinarian, a teacher, a
dentist, and a cop. But I always had a
longing in my heart for foster kids. I don’t know why. I didn’t really know any
foster kids. I wasn’t a foster kid. Heck, I was just a kid myself. Yet, I knew
from the young age of 9 that I wanted to adopt and I wanted something to do
with foster care.
Of course at 9, I had no idea what that meant. I’m not sure
if I even knew the word “foster care” or “foster kid”. But that desire was
there. And I know who put it there. I realize how blessed I have been to have
had a clear direction my whole life of what I was supposed to do. I didn’t know
the details but somehow I always knew I was supposed to work with these kids.
Fast-forward 12 years.
Enter Allendale. I was 21, not even graduated from college
and I had an interview with a home for kids with substance abuse issues. Or so
I thought. I show up at my interview the day after my last final and find out
Allendale isn’t for kids with substance abuse issues. Guess what it’s for. Yup,
foster kids. The worst of the worst of those in the system. And I fell in love.
I fell in love with my clients and I knew this was what I was meant to do.
These were my kids, my people. I knew I was home.
A year passes. It’s not home anymore. It’s “Allenjail”. My
kids are horrible, my co-workers are burnt out, and our administration is
indifferent and callous to our growing safety concerns as they send us
increasingly violent girls. And I’m done. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m
sick of it. I’m tired. So I cry out to the Lord.
I ask him to take me out of this situation. I want to see my
husband. I want my weekends back. I’m sick of getting bit, and punched, and
spit at by 16 year old girls. So I pray. And pray. And pray.
And though it all I hear “stay. Stay. Stay.” So I’d agree
for a few weeks and then I’d ask again, “please take me somewhere else.
Anywhere else.” My friends agreed with.
My mom agreed with. My husband agreed with me. “You need to get out of
Allendale”, they’d all say. and so again
I prayed.
This time I heard, “you are the light in the darkness. A
city on a hill. Salt to a dying world”. So once again I obeyed. A month goes by
and I’m at it again. I cry, “I’m done! I’m done!” and this time I didn't hear a
voice. I got excited! “This is my chance! My time to leave has come!”
But sometimes God’s voice comes in different ways. This time
it sounded a lot like my dad. He cautiously mentions to me, “so did you not
hear Him or are you choosing to disobey?” Thanks dad. Thanks a lot. I thought I
was in the clear. Good to go. Finally free of Allendale.
So I prayed. “Lord, did I misunderstand or am I trying to
disobey?” And I tried to convince myself I misunderstood. But I knew I hadn't.
I knew he told me to stay. So I did.
“But why Lord?” I cried. I was so unhappy. Didn't God want
me to happy? That’s what I had always been told. So why was he telling me to stay. And then
I heard him again. “My child, my goal for your life is not for you to be happy….”
“But, but ,but,” I stammered. “My goal is for you to look a little bit more
like me”, he replied.
And so I stayed. I obeyed. And guess what? I wasn't happy.
But I was given joy. I was given the strength to do my job and do it well. I
was given clarity to see the small victories.
But overall, I had joy because I knew I was within the will of God. And
that is the best place to be.
All through the summer, I wrestled with the Lord. And I
finally fell content. Not happy but content with where God had placed me. And
then out of nowhere. He showed me something. A position posting. A position I
had no chance of even getting an interview for. I wasn't licensed like the
position demanded. I didn't have a master live everyone else. Yet, I applied.
On a pipe dream, that maybe just maybe it was my time to go.
And then I got interview. I had no hope after the interview.
It was 45 minutes long (not nearly as long as most of the upper level position
interviews I had been too). They didn't seem impressed. Besides I still didn't have a license. And I still didn't have my masters.
And yet, by God’s perfect design, I got the job. I landed my
dream job at the age of 23. What a blessing! Yet, would have I recognized the
blessing if I hadn't just been through the previous 12 months? Those months of
arguing with God. The tension of wanting to leave but being called to stay. The
struggle of learning that my ultimate goal in life should not to be happy but
to look like Christ. The moment of learning to rest in God and his will. All
those experiences led me here.
If I had disobeyed and left when I wanted, I would not be
here; sitting in my new office. I would've missed what God had in store for me.
I would never have seen the posting or had the chance to apply if I had
listened to my flesh. But God knew. He always knows. He wants me here at Allendale. He had a plan
and he has a plan for the future. Why do I always forget? Why do I always want
to do it my way when time after time I’m reminded that his way is better?
God has proven himself faithful to me yet one more time.
After months of doubting him, he proved himself yet again.
I don’ t know where you are right now. Maybe you are in the
stage of “staying”. Maybe God has you in a place you want to be far from. Maybe
he has you right where you want to be. It doesn't matter though, because he is
in control. Whether it feels that way or not. As long as you are walking in
obedience, God has the situation exactly the way he wants it. And he will prove
himself to be faithful to you just as he did me. It might look different. And
it won’t be on your terms – I can guarantee that. But he will prove himself.
My period of
“staying” was about a year. For you it might be longer. Maybe less. I know it’s
hard to be in that place, though. Wondering when God will demonstrate him
faithfulness. Wondering when he will rescue you. But the one thing I've learned
is even when I’m waiting and staying – He is still faithful. Even if I were to
wait for 100 years – he is still faithful! He never left my side. He shaped me
more into the woman he wanted me to be, looking a little more like him. He was
always faithful. Even when I couldn't see it - he was faithful.
I know many of you have heard this lyric before and it’s
been my favorite for years but it always seems to ring true. It's as if Sara
reached into my soul and wrote the words that are my heart:
I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
